Beloved Brother

My oldest brother Sanford has lived in Costa Rica as a self supporting missionary and pastor since 1968. Last week he suffered a serious heart attack and remains in critical care at the San Carlos Social Security Government Hospital. At 81, this came as a shock to all of us, since he had never been diagnosed with heart problems and was in reasonably good health for his age.

There were nine of us children in our family, and I am the next to the youngest. Sanford has always been a special brother, a powerfully positive influence in my life. As a teen he went through a time of anger and rebellion in which he gave my parents no end of grief, then turned his life completely around and became a consistently Christian model and mentor who’s been a great blessing to me, as have my other eight siblings.

It’s hard to think of him in this condition and not be able to be there to personally tell him I love him.  I so wish I could hold his hand, pray for him, and to offer my support to his amazing Martha, by his side through nearly sixty years. I’m glad all of their ten loving children have been with him this week, some who flew there from the states to be with their dad.

I’m told that when I was a toddler I called my brother “Gah-Tah” for some strange unknown reason. My older siblings repeatedly tried to correct me, would patiently tell me, “Now say, ‘SAN-FORD,’” carefully emphasizing each syllable. I would soberly repeat, to everyone’s amusement, “GAH-TAH,” with equal emphasis, thinking I was saying the name correctly.

Right now I would love to be the child again, and say from my heart, “Gah-Tah, I love you!” to my big brother. He would understand. He would cry and give me the big bear hug I’m needing right now.

Underlying Needs in Distressed Relationships

The following five identified needs are from a handout I use based on the work of psychologist Rudolph Dreikurs (adapted from his work on underlying needs in misbehaving children!). The italicized phrases suggest how we can often tell what the underlying needs are that are really driving our conflicts and distresses in relationships.

1. The Need For Recognition, Belonging

    Relationship distress may result from someone simply trying to gain attention, respect, love or closeness. Feeling ignored is painful, so negative interaction (through conflict) may seem better than having little or no interaction with another one really cares about. Persons operating from this need typically create feelings of annoyance in others that may drive them even further away. Creative and healthy ways of being noticed, heard and taken seriously need to be found.

2. The Need For Power, Control

     Relationship distress also results from a person perceiving that his or her needs to have a fair say, to be reckoned with as someone of value and worth, and to be considered a vital player in a group’s process are not being met. Persons with this need may provoke others into feeling threatened, challenged or intimidated. It is important to avoid being drawn into power struggles with such individuals (to see who can win), but to offer opportunities for shared power and control.

3. The Need For Vengeance, Ventilation of Anger
    When the first two needs are not met, the need for direct or indirect retaliation (sometimes at inappropriate targets) may begin to be in evidence. Persons with this need often cause feelings of hurt in others. It is important to resist being drawn into a revenge cycle, and to try to understand the hurt behind another person’s actions, to provide for cooling off periods, and to work at trying to resolve the underlying problems in the relationship.

4. The Need For Withdrawal, Retreat
    This tends to be the result when all of the above efforts by an individual trying to have his or her needs met seem to them to have failed. Such persons may become passive and uncommunicative, respond only in indirect, non-verbal ways, or simply avoid those with whom they are in conflict. Persons with this need tend to evoke feelings of sympathy, frustration and/or helplessness in others. Our response should not be to show pity, but to provide support, understanding and encouragement, and to help provide for healthy ways to get some needed relief from stress.

5. The Need For Challenge, Change
     Relationship distress may also result from simply feeling stifled, bored or in a rut in a relationship. Persons operating from this need may trigger uneasy and anxious feelings in others, especially in those who want to maintain the status quo. Our response should be to encourage reasonable risk-taking in achieving positive goals.

A Conflict Management Class

I will be leading a four-session class on Creative Conflict Management at the Family Life Resource Center (where I work) at 7-8:30 each Wednesday evening starting March 7. If you or others you know may be interested, the cost is $50 (or $40 each for a couple or a group), and you may contact me at harvey@flrc.org or call 434-8450 to register.

The course is designed to help couples, congregational leaders, parents, co-workers and others better use some of the following mediation-based principles of conflict management:

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Peacemakers

Habit One. They accept conflict as inevitable, but combat as optional (and a sign of fear and weakness rather than strength). 
Conflicts are seen as a normal part of all human relationships, experiences that can result in positive learning and growth. 

Habit Two. They celebrate differences as potentially helpful and useful.
The opinions of both change promoters and change resisters in families, work places and communities are heard, respected, and welcomed. 

Habit Three. They seek to equalize power in relationships, and to empower (rather than to dis-empower) others with whom they differ.
They realize that any perceived imbalances of power in relationships increases the likelihood of instability and hostility, and recognize that power and privilege are better used to help others gain a more equal sense of stature and influence rather than simply seek to gain dominance over them. 

Habit Four. They observe the rule: Listen first, discuss second, decide last.
They don’t come to a negotiating process with their minds already made up and intent only on arguing for their position, but begin by carefully and non-defensively listening to others' interests and concerns, and when it is their turn, respectfully expressing their own. They actively encourage as many ideas being brought to the table as possible. Then (as a separate part of the process) they work collaboratively to work out a win-win solution based on the best ideas they’ve been able to come up with. 

Habit Five. They show a high level of respect both for other people and for their opinions.
They remember to keep their respect for others high, their expectations of others medium or moderate, and their anxiety low. They recognize that anxiety is usually the emotion that contributes to escalating anger and defensiveness.

Habit Six. They seek to recognize and address underlying needs and interests in conflictual relationships.
Examples of such needs are:
      1. Need for recognition, acceptance, respect (the love need)
      2. Need for influence, power, a “say” in the relationship
      3. Need for getting even, for ventilating anger and frustration      (especially if first two needs are seen as not being met)
      4. Need to withdraw, give up, retreat in hurt and helplessness (if  nothing seems to be working)
      5. Need for change, challenge, shakeup of status quo 

Habit Seven. They acknowledge and maximize their own faults rather than being highly focused on the wrongs of others.
They don’t ignore problems in a relationship, but pay primary attention to their own part in those problems, then respectfully work at reconciliation and negotiation with others. They also invest time and energy in the positive, “no-problem” area (with relationship problems temporarily set aside), in order to build up a reservoir of goodwill that helps facilitate good problem solving.

Contemplative Action

Some time ago my good wife asked me to make a list of all of the extracurricular things I’ve gotten involved in in our community, one I admit turned out to be even longer than I thought.

Which caused me to think more seriously about creating a healthier balance in my life between work, community and church involvement and my personal, spiritual and family life. Have I become a workaholic, an all-too busy human doing instead of a healthy and balanced human being?

I’ve been benefiting from reading a book my daughter gave me on “The Active Life--A Spirituality of Work, Creativity and Caring,” by Quaker author Parker J. Palmer. He suggests that instead of separating the contemplative and the action parts of our lives, or simply alternating between the two--with contemplation being primarily about becoming revived and renewed to go back to more action--that we do more of integrating the two, practicing contemplative action and active contemplation.

Palmer goes on to stress the value of work as an important and life giving part of who we are and how we contribute to our communities, rather than just being our way of earning a living. He also stresses the need to place high value on creativity, whether that be in gardening, raising and nurturing a family, or writing a poem or essay.

Another important element we want to integrate into our everyday lives, he says, is caring--visiting a sick or elderly neighbor, expressing love and support to a spouse or family member, or promoting projects that improve the well-being of the community and the world.

Can all of these be done in a way that reflects a healthy balance?

I hope so.

Her Price is Far Above Rubies

We just got back from an overnight 47th anniversary getaway, marred only by my waking up this morning with a bad case of vertigo.

Of all days, I asked myself, why did I have to be plagued with this illness? Here we were at a nice Quality Inn and I have a recurrence of all of the unpleasant symptoms of my Meniere's Disease--not fatal but just extremely annoying--resulting in periodic cases of vertigo that result in severe nausea and the inability to stay on ones feet. The whole world spins around you and you have to lie flat on your bed or risk a nasty fall if you try to get up and walk around unattended.

There goes the rest of our mini-vacation, I thought, and in one way it did. But it also proved again how blessed I am to be married to a wonderfully caring wife. As always, Alma Jean rose, no soared, to the occasion, and did her usual superb job of taking care of me as in "in sickness and in health," and “for better or for worse.”

Just another proof of how wonderful it is to be in a good, stable marriage, I concluded, and a great example of why married men live longer than their single and/or separated counterparts. Even in simple economic terms, I would have had to pay hundreds of dollars to hire someone to look after my every need as Alma Jean did, and to drive me home this afternoon--and all without complaint, and without the expectation of anything in return but my sincere gratitude. On top of that, with the kind loving touch, prayers and empathy that are priceless, for sure.

I’ve long believed that in God’s economy nothing goes to waste. Our experience today is another example of that. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out to be the way she and I had planned, but something great happened just the same. Our love is stronger and our conviction deeper that what we began at the Lancaster Mennonite High School Chapel August 8, 1964, was truly meant to be. Until death do us part.

Yes!

Simple Sure-Fire Bug Killer

An amusing story I heard years ago involves someone creating an ad for a $5 bug exterminator kit with an absolute 100% guarantee.

Turns out that those who fell for this “too good to be true” claim were sent two wooden blocks with these instructions: "Place bug on block A, then press block B firmly on block A."

End of bug.

I’ve been thinking lately about a similarly simple approach to problems that may be bugging our relationships, annoyances that get in the way of friends, couples or family members enjoying the kind of good times they would like. Rather than complaining, or wasting time and energy blaming the other person, what if we could just get together and respectfully identify and name the specific problem, then place it on the table where we work out ways of extinguishing whatever “bug” is causing our distress.

In other words, to learn to attack problem behaviors rather than attacking each other. And to start with each of us first examining our own bad behavior habits and ridding ourselves of whatever we are doing to add to the stress. Thus we make sure we keep focusing on the problems, not the marriage, not the spouse, not the persons, per se.

I believe persons are always precious in spite of their behaviors,. And problems are, well, just normal, everyday and quite fixable things, not necessarily crises, unless we make them so by turning mole hills into mountains. But thank God even mountains can be moved, and there really are many more solutions than there are problems.

So identify bug, place on block A. Then press block B firmly on block A. End of bug.

Until the next one shows up.

Conditions for Living

I’ll always remember the distinction one of my seminary profs, David Augsburger, made between conditions for loving and conditions for living. As followers of Jesus we are commanded to respect, love and care for everyone unconditionally, even our enemies, he said, but there may be many conditions for living that define our relationships with others, whether in a friendship, as parents, as spouses or in any other partnership.

I may need to set reasonable and clear limits, for example, as to the amount of time or money I have to give to others. Or to make clear that I am willing to tolerate certain kinds of behaviors but not others. Then if these conditions are not respected, the deal is off. It is their choice as to whether they will value our relationship enough to observe necessary agreements and agreed on boundaries.

As an example, if I am to engage in some business transaction, I can reasonably insist that each party operate according to our contract, and not to make up arbitrary rules as we go along. I also have a right to expect that others engage in appropriate and respectful behaviors in the course of doing business. If those things don’t happen, I must still demonstrate agape love toward them (sometimes tough love), but am not obligated to continue doing business with them.

Bottom line: While there are no conditions for unselfish loving, there may be many conditions for everyday living.

Dressed for the Weather

“There’s no such thing as bad weather,” someone has said, “only inadequate protection.”

My mother was big on protection. She convinced us we’d catch a terrible cold or die of pneumonia if we didn’t put on our caps and several extra layers whenever it got chilly outside.

You can learn from your mother. Dress right and you can take your own good weather with you.

But “adequate protection” not only helps when it comes to facing the elements. It’s also great when dealing with difficult people in our lives--the folks we feel uneasy with, who create an unpleasant chill or even an emotional blizzard around us.

Consider the case of 40-year old “Harry.” He describes his 75-year old mother as downright vicious in the way she keeps delivering zingers like: “You never come see me anymore.” “You only think about yourself.” “You look awful.” “You’re such a disappointment.”

Harry is devastated. “She cuts me down, makes me want to stay as far away from her as I can. When I do have to be with her, I just lose it, that’s how much she gets under my skin.”

I feel for Harry. In spite of the fact that his Mom is now an aging invalid, to him she’s as powerful as when he was only five and she was 40. There’s no question in his mind--Mom is his number one problem.       

But all mother does is create bad weather. She’s depressed and miserable, and has the unfortunate habit of taking out her unhappiness on others. Harry’s problem is inadequate protection. How can he stop focusing on Mom’s unpleasantness and simply begin “dressing accordingly”?

 A familiar scriptural metaphor is that of putting on spiritual “armor” and using a “shield of faith” and a "helmet" to ward off attacks. That kind of protection can sound pretty welcome when we think of all the people who intimidate us, get under our skin, raise our blood pressure. But is feeling safe actually possible?

 Let’s go back to our weather analogy.

All of us prefer being with balmy, Florida-like folks. But the next best thing is putting on the mental equivalent of good rain gear, having a suitable wardrobe to help us ward off others’ wintryness. It doesn’t change the climate any, but it makes it more bearable, maybe even half-enjoyable.

Here are some tips for braving harsh weather:

1. Dress up in a robe of courage. Shed your fear, and see yourself, by faith, as a fully empowered person, a competent parent, a capable worker, a confident and mature adult. This doesn’t mean being powerful over others, but powerful with others. It doesn’t mean having to be perfect, but being OK based on doing the best you can.

2. Always wear a “uniform” of equal-ness. See others as being very much like yourself--fellow human beings who are a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Being equal doesn't mean being identical, of course, it just means our worth is the same, that we are neither above nor below anyone else.

3. Use extra insulation to your wardrobe as needed. Picture yourself with Teflon-like protection when experiencing unfair criticism. Add warm layers of clothing as necessary to maintain a stable inner temperature, so you can carry your own good weather with you.

These forms of protection don’t have to result in shutting other people out. In fact, being “dressed for the weather” means we can be even closer to people. We can dread them less and love them more, connect with them more closely without fear of catching our death of cold.

Your mother would like that.

P.S. Of course, if the "weather" in your life is truly life threatening, as in a tornado or a severe hurricane situation, dial 911 and seek shelter immediately.