The following five identified needs are from a handout I use based on the work of psychologist Rudolph Dreikurs (adapted from his work on underlying needs in misbehaving children!). The italicized phrases suggest how we can often tell what the underlying needs are that are really driving our conflicts and distresses in relationships.
1. The Need For Recognition, Belonging
Relationship distress may result from someone simply trying to gain attention, respect, love or closeness. Feeling ignored is painful, so negative interaction (through conflict) may seem better than having little or no interaction with another one really cares about. Persons operating from this need typically create feelings of annoyance in others that may drive them even further away. Creative and healthy ways of being noticed, heard and taken seriously need to be found.
2. The Need For Power, Control
Relationship distress also results from a person perceiving that his or her needs to have a fair say, to be reckoned with as someone of value and worth, and to be considered a vital player in a group’s process are not being met. Persons with this need may provoke others into feeling threatened, challenged or intimidated. It is important to avoid being drawn into power struggles with such individuals (to see who can win), but to offer opportunities for shared power and control.
3. The Need For Vengeance, Ventilation of Anger
When the first two needs are not met, the need for direct or indirect retaliation (sometimes at inappropriate targets) may begin to be in evidence. Persons with this need often cause feelings of hurt in others. It is important to resist being drawn into a revenge cycle, and to try to understand the hurt behind another person’s actions, to provide for cooling off periods, and to work at trying to resolve the underlying problems in the relationship.
4. The Need For Withdrawal, Retreat
This tends to be the result when all of the above efforts by an individual trying to have his or her needs met seem to them to have failed. Such persons may become passive and uncommunicative, respond only in indirect, non-verbal ways, or simply avoid those with whom they are in conflict. Persons with this need tend to evoke feelings of sympathy, frustration and/or helplessness in others. Our response should not be to show pity, but to provide support, understanding and encouragement, and to help provide for healthy ways to get some needed relief from stress.
5. The Need For Challenge, Change
Relationship distress may also result from simply feeling stifled, bored or in a rut in a relationship. Persons operating from this need may trigger uneasy and anxious feelings in others, especially in those who want to maintain the status quo. Our response should be to encourage reasonable risk-taking in achieving positive goals.
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
A Conflict Management Class
I will be leading a four-session class on Creative Conflict Management at the Family Life Resource Center (where I work) at 7-8:30 each Wednesday evening starting March 7. If you or others you know may be interested, the cost is $50 (or $40 each for a couple or a group), and you may contact me at harvey@flrc.org or call 434-8450 to register.
The course is designed to help couples, congregational leaders, parents, co-workers and others better use some of the following mediation-based principles of conflict management:
Seven Habits of Highly Effective Peacemakers
Habit One. They accept conflict as inevitable, but combat as optional (and a sign of fear and weakness rather than strength).
Conflicts are seen as a normal part of all human relationships, experiences that can result in positive learning and growth.
Habit Two. They celebrate differences as potentially helpful and useful.
The opinions of both change promoters and change resisters in families, work places and communities are heard, respected, and welcomed.
Habit Three. They seek to equalize power in relationships, and to empower (rather than to dis-empower) others with whom they differ.
They realize that any perceived imbalances of power in relationships increases the likelihood of instability and hostility, and recognize that power and privilege are better used to help others gain a more equal sense of stature and influence rather than simply seek to gain dominance over them.
Habit Four. They observe the rule: Listen first, discuss second, decide last.
They don’t come to a negotiating process with their minds already made up and intent only on arguing for their position, but begin by carefully and non-defensively listening to others' interests and concerns, and when it is their turn, respectfully expressing their own. They actively encourage as many ideas being brought to the table as possible. Then (as a separate part of the process) they work collaboratively to work out a win-win solution based on the best ideas they’ve been able to come up with.
Habit Five. They show a high level of respect both for other people and for their opinions.
They remember to keep their respect for others high, their expectations of others medium or moderate, and their anxiety low. They recognize that anxiety is usually the emotion that contributes to escalating anger and defensiveness.
Habit Six. They seek to recognize and address underlying needs and interests in conflictual relationships.
Examples of such needs are:
1. Need for recognition, acceptance, respect (the love need)
2. Need for influence, power, a “say” in the relationship
3. Need for getting even, for ventilating anger and frustration (especially if first two needs are seen as not being met)
4. Need to withdraw, give up, retreat in hurt and helplessness (if nothing seems to be working)
5. Need for change, challenge, shakeup of status quo
Habit Seven. They acknowledge and maximize their own faults rather than being highly focused on the wrongs of others.
They don’t ignore problems in a relationship, but pay primary attention to their own part in those problems, then respectfully work at reconciliation and negotiation with others. They also invest time and energy in the positive, “no-problem” area (with relationship problems temporarily set aside), in order to build up a reservoir of goodwill that helps facilitate good problem solving.
The course is designed to help couples, congregational leaders, parents, co-workers and others better use some of the following mediation-based principles of conflict management:
Seven Habits of Highly Effective Peacemakers
Habit One. They accept conflict as inevitable, but combat as optional (and a sign of fear and weakness rather than strength).
Conflicts are seen as a normal part of all human relationships, experiences that can result in positive learning and growth.
Habit Two. They celebrate differences as potentially helpful and useful.
The opinions of both change promoters and change resisters in families, work places and communities are heard, respected, and welcomed.
Habit Three. They seek to equalize power in relationships, and to empower (rather than to dis-empower) others with whom they differ.
They realize that any perceived imbalances of power in relationships increases the likelihood of instability and hostility, and recognize that power and privilege are better used to help others gain a more equal sense of stature and influence rather than simply seek to gain dominance over them.
Habit Four. They observe the rule: Listen first, discuss second, decide last.
They don’t come to a negotiating process with their minds already made up and intent only on arguing for their position, but begin by carefully and non-defensively listening to others' interests and concerns, and when it is their turn, respectfully expressing their own. They actively encourage as many ideas being brought to the table as possible. Then (as a separate part of the process) they work collaboratively to work out a win-win solution based on the best ideas they’ve been able to come up with.
Habit Five. They show a high level of respect both for other people and for their opinions.
They remember to keep their respect for others high, their expectations of others medium or moderate, and their anxiety low. They recognize that anxiety is usually the emotion that contributes to escalating anger and defensiveness.
Habit Six. They seek to recognize and address underlying needs and interests in conflictual relationships.
Examples of such needs are:
1. Need for recognition, acceptance, respect (the love need)
2. Need for influence, power, a “say” in the relationship
3. Need for getting even, for ventilating anger and frustration (especially if first two needs are seen as not being met)
4. Need to withdraw, give up, retreat in hurt and helplessness (if nothing seems to be working)
5. Need for change, challenge, shakeup of status quo
Habit Seven. They acknowledge and maximize their own faults rather than being highly focused on the wrongs of others.
They don’t ignore problems in a relationship, but pay primary attention to their own part in those problems, then respectfully work at reconciliation and negotiation with others. They also invest time and energy in the positive, “no-problem” area (with relationship problems temporarily set aside), in order to build up a reservoir of goodwill that helps facilitate good problem solving.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Wise Brain and the Wild Brain
we’re all born with ancient brains from back when we hunted on the plains,
and though an awful lot has changed, we still chase the things we taste:
salt, sugar, sex, starch, fat and love—we crave all of the above,
and it feels right when we find them, but we can never get enough...
Brad Yoder, 2011, all rights reserved
Sometimes I show the above diagram to a client to illustrate how we humans tend to make decisions, wise and otherwise.
The lower part of the brain, the subcortex, I point out, is the part of our complex nervous system that is much like that of the rest of God’s creatures. It is the primitive, reactive part of the brain designed to help us survive, the part that generates the arousal needed for our “fight or flight” responses to perceived threats. It’s an important asset when there is a fire, an accident or any other immediate or possible danger, and is also the part of us that regulates body functions and urges us to satisfy our cravings for food, drink and sex.
The higher brain, the neocortex, represents our amazing capacity for reflection, reasoning and creative problem-solving, and in my opinion is the part of us that most represents the image of God. It is here that we can make wise and thoughtful decisions, "wise" representing the kinds of actions we will later feel the least remorse about, and "foolish" being the kinds of impulse-based behaviors about which we are most likely to have profound regrets.
It is of course possible for this higher brain to come up with all kinds of nefarious and unwise schemes as well, depending on the moral values of the individual.
At any rate, when the lower part of our brain is highly activated, is in that impulsive mode in which strong feelings of fear, anger, or desire are escalating, the upper brain is half shut down, is more likely to just be ignored or bypassed. Which may be called for, even lifesaving, in case of a real emergency requiring immediate and drastic action, but catastrophic in life situations that call for careful choice-making.
All too often we humans tend to overreact to situations, perceiving them as crises when they simply represent normal problems. As a result we find ourselves behaving inappropriately, from the reactive rather than the reflective cortex of our brain.
All of the above is vastly oversimplified, of course, in that our brains are far more complex than I’ve described, but I still see this as a helpful picture to keep in mind. We’re surely better off being mindful of which part of our brain is calling the shots, and to make sure we are making wise, life-enhancing choices we’ll feel best about--and blessed by--one, ten or fifty years from now.
So much depends on whether the wise brain or the wild brain is in charge.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Simple Sure-Fire Bug Killer
An amusing story I heard years ago involves someone creating an ad for a $5 bug exterminator kit with an absolute 100% guarantee.
Turns out that those who fell for this “too good to be true” claim were sent two wooden blocks with these instructions: "Place bug on block A, then press block B firmly on block A."
End of bug.
I’ve been thinking lately about a similarly simple approach to problems that may be bugging our relationships, annoyances that get in the way of friends, couples or family members enjoying the kind of good times they would like. Rather than complaining, or wasting time and energy blaming the other person, what if we could just get together and respectfully identify and name the specific problem, then place it on the table where we work out ways of extinguishing whatever “bug” is causing our distress.
In other words, to learn to attack problem behaviors rather than attacking each other. And to start with each of us first examining our own bad behavior habits and ridding ourselves of whatever we are doing to add to the stress. Thus we make sure we keep focusing on the problems, not the marriage, not the spouse, not the persons, per se.
I believe persons are always precious in spite of their behaviors,. And problems are, well, just normal, everyday and quite fixable things, not necessarily crises, unless we make them so by turning mole hills into mountains. But thank God even mountains can be moved, and there really are many more solutions than there are problems.
So identify bug, place on block A. Then press block B firmly on block A. End of bug.
Until the next one shows up.
Turns out that those who fell for this “too good to be true” claim were sent two wooden blocks with these instructions: "Place bug on block A, then press block B firmly on block A."
End of bug.
I’ve been thinking lately about a similarly simple approach to problems that may be bugging our relationships, annoyances that get in the way of friends, couples or family members enjoying the kind of good times they would like. Rather than complaining, or wasting time and energy blaming the other person, what if we could just get together and respectfully identify and name the specific problem, then place it on the table where we work out ways of extinguishing whatever “bug” is causing our distress.
In other words, to learn to attack problem behaviors rather than attacking each other. And to start with each of us first examining our own bad behavior habits and ridding ourselves of whatever we are doing to add to the stress. Thus we make sure we keep focusing on the problems, not the marriage, not the spouse, not the persons, per se.
I believe persons are always precious in spite of their behaviors,. And problems are, well, just normal, everyday and quite fixable things, not necessarily crises, unless we make them so by turning mole hills into mountains. But thank God even mountains can be moved, and there really are many more solutions than there are problems.
So identify bug, place on block A. Then press block B firmly on block A. End of bug.
Until the next one shows up.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Dressed for the Weather
“There’s no such thing as bad weather,” someone has said, “only inadequate protection.”
My mother was big on protection. She convinced us we’d catch a terrible cold or die of pneumonia if we didn’t put on our caps and several extra layers whenever it got chilly outside.
You can learn from your mother. Dress right and you can take your own good weather with you.
But “adequate protection” not only helps when it comes to facing the elements. It’s also great when dealing with difficult people in our lives--the folks we feel uneasy with, who create an unpleasant chill or even an emotional blizzard around us.
Consider the case of 40-year old “Harry.” He describes his 75-year old mother as downright vicious in the way she keeps delivering zingers like: “You never come see me anymore.” “You only think about yourself.” “You look awful.” “You’re such a disappointment.”
Harry is devastated. “She cuts me down, makes me want to stay as far away from her as I can. When I do have to be with her, I just lose it, that’s how much she gets under my skin.”
I feel for Harry. In spite of the fact that his Mom is now an aging invalid, to him she’s as powerful as when he was only five and she was 40. There’s no question in his mind--Mom is his number one problem.
But all mother does is create bad weather. She’s depressed and miserable, and has the unfortunate habit of taking out her unhappiness on others. Harry’s problem is inadequate protection. How can he stop focusing on Mom’s unpleasantness and simply begin “dressing accordingly”?
A familiar scriptural metaphor is that of putting on spiritual “armor” and using a “shield of faith” and a "helmet" to ward off attacks. That kind of protection can sound pretty welcome when we think of all the people who intimidate us, get under our skin, raise our blood pressure. But is feeling safe actually possible?
Let’s go back to our weather analogy.
All of us prefer being with balmy, Florida-like folks. But the next best thing is putting on the mental equivalent of good rain gear, having a suitable wardrobe to help us ward off others’ wintryness. It doesn’t change the climate any, but it makes it more bearable, maybe even half-enjoyable.
Here are some tips for braving harsh weather:
1. Dress up in a robe of courage. Shed your fear, and see yourself, by faith, as a fully empowered person, a competent parent, a capable worker, a confident and mature adult. This doesn’t mean being powerful over others, but powerful with others. It doesn’t mean having to be perfect, but being OK based on doing the best you can.
2. Always wear a “uniform” of equal-ness. See others as being very much like yourself--fellow human beings who are a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Being equal doesn't mean being identical, of course, it just means our worth is the same, that we are neither above nor below anyone else.
3. Use extra insulation to your wardrobe as needed. Picture yourself with Teflon-like protection when experiencing unfair criticism. Add warm layers of clothing as necessary to maintain a stable inner temperature, so you can carry your own good weather with you.
These forms of protection don’t have to result in shutting other people out. In fact, being “dressed for the weather” means we can be even closer to people. We can dread them less and love them more, connect with them more closely without fear of catching our death of cold.
Your mother would like that.
My mother was big on protection. She convinced us we’d catch a terrible cold or die of pneumonia if we didn’t put on our caps and several extra layers whenever it got chilly outside.
You can learn from your mother. Dress right and you can take your own good weather with you.
But “adequate protection” not only helps when it comes to facing the elements. It’s also great when dealing with difficult people in our lives--the folks we feel uneasy with, who create an unpleasant chill or even an emotional blizzard around us.
Consider the case of 40-year old “Harry.” He describes his 75-year old mother as downright vicious in the way she keeps delivering zingers like: “You never come see me anymore.” “You only think about yourself.” “You look awful.” “You’re such a disappointment.”
Harry is devastated. “She cuts me down, makes me want to stay as far away from her as I can. When I do have to be with her, I just lose it, that’s how much she gets under my skin.”
I feel for Harry. In spite of the fact that his Mom is now an aging invalid, to him she’s as powerful as when he was only five and she was 40. There’s no question in his mind--Mom is his number one problem.
But all mother does is create bad weather. She’s depressed and miserable, and has the unfortunate habit of taking out her unhappiness on others. Harry’s problem is inadequate protection. How can he stop focusing on Mom’s unpleasantness and simply begin “dressing accordingly”?
A familiar scriptural metaphor is that of putting on spiritual “armor” and using a “shield of faith” and a "helmet" to ward off attacks. That kind of protection can sound pretty welcome when we think of all the people who intimidate us, get under our skin, raise our blood pressure. But is feeling safe actually possible?
Let’s go back to our weather analogy.
All of us prefer being with balmy, Florida-like folks. But the next best thing is putting on the mental equivalent of good rain gear, having a suitable wardrobe to help us ward off others’ wintryness. It doesn’t change the climate any, but it makes it more bearable, maybe even half-enjoyable.
Here are some tips for braving harsh weather:
1. Dress up in a robe of courage. Shed your fear, and see yourself, by faith, as a fully empowered person, a competent parent, a capable worker, a confident and mature adult. This doesn’t mean being powerful over others, but powerful with others. It doesn’t mean having to be perfect, but being OK based on doing the best you can.
2. Always wear a “uniform” of equal-ness. See others as being very much like yourself--fellow human beings who are a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Being equal doesn't mean being identical, of course, it just means our worth is the same, that we are neither above nor below anyone else.
3. Use extra insulation to your wardrobe as needed. Picture yourself with Teflon-like protection when experiencing unfair criticism. Add warm layers of clothing as necessary to maintain a stable inner temperature, so you can carry your own good weather with you.
These forms of protection don’t have to result in shutting other people out. In fact, being “dressed for the weather” means we can be even closer to people. We can dread them less and love them more, connect with them more closely without fear of catching our death of cold.
Your mother would like that.
P.S. Of course, if the "weather" in your life is truly life threatening, as in a tornado or a severe hurricane situation, dial 911 and seek shelter immediately.
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