When Talking More Is Making Matters Worse

Sometime we just need a time out.

Occasionally I've had clients reporting all night marathons they've engaged in with their spouse in an effort to resolve some difficult problem between them.

Some seem to interpret the biblical injunction to "never go to bed angry" as meaning they should never go to sleep without having come to some kind of resolution or agreement in a conflict.

If that's possible, it's certainly a good thing. But when we realize we're at an impasse and just keep on arguing, believing that just one more paragraph will fix everything, we soon get to the point of diminishing returns. In other words, if thirty minutes of discussion is good, an hour is not necessarily twice as good, or two hours four times as helpful. At some point more talk can just make things worse.

Far better to have an agreement that either party in a conflict can call for a time-out, with the understanding that the other will honor it. And that the person asking for the break will take responsibility to offer a 'time back in' within a reasonable time, say within a couple of hours. This gives everyone a chance to calm down, cool off and try again, hopefully with better results.

Then if this doesn't work, it may be good to find a pastor, a counselor or other mediator to help.

I believe there are more solutions than there are problems, and that conflicts don't have to become crises, or result in combat. If we can stay calm enough we can always find a way to work things out.