Of Elephants And Mice: An Appeal For Unity

An edited version of this post was published in
the June 16 edition of the Anabaptist World.

"There can be no peace among nations without peace among religions." Hans Küng

What if we were to paraphrase Küng's words to ask, "How can we spread a gospel of peace without demonstrating shalom-like peace among ourselves?"

While nice folks like us may not be openly un-peaceful or hostile, we are all too prone to give up on each other and go our separate ways. In that sense we (peacefully?) "ex-communicate" one another, not by formally expelling congregations or groups of congregations with whom we disagree, but by simply withdrawing from them, no longer "communicating" with them when it comes to maintaining regular fellowship or communion together.

Our Amish cousins are at least consistent in their practice of this form of excommunication, in that they declare those judged to be out of order as deserving the ban, writing them off as no longer being fellow members of the body of Christ.

I once asked a member of a congregation that had left our Virginia Mennonite Conference if those of us who stayed would still be welcome to join them at their communion services. 

"Of course!" he assured me, "We will always welcome you to the Lord's Table."

"What?" I asked. "So you're not OK with worshipping and working with us in our conference assemblies, but you would welcome us to be one with you in the most intimate and sacred part of your church life?"

To me it felt like a divorcing couple announcing that while they could no longer tolerate living in the same household they would still be OK with occasionally being in bed together.

Here is the kind of Christ-based, covenant-bound church unity I keep praying for:

1. That we celebrate a God-given “unity of the Spirit” while continually working, for as long as it takes, at gaining an ever greater “unity of the faith.” 
2. That having largely abandoned the practice of excommunicating individual church members, that we commit to no longer “excommunicating” whole groups of congregations with whom we differ. 
3. That where past church separations have occurred, that we keep the door open and the invitation out to becoming reunited and to reconciled wherever possible.
4. That our congregations, district conferences and MCUSA would be bound together not so much by our constitutions and bylaws, as in a Gesellschaft (an organization) but as sisters and brothers in God's beloved Gemeinschaft (a community).
5. That if necessary we would be willing to review our organizational structures, constitutions and confessions, say every Jubilee (50th) year, and wait prayerfully and expectantly for Pentecost-style rebirths, ernestly seeking new wine and welcoming new wineskins.
6. That we would not allow current issues we define as "elephants in the room”—like a loss of trust in church structures or policies, or  disagreements about how to fully include members who identify as LBGT+—from distracting us from the multitude of threats we seem inclined to see as mere "mice in the room," such as:

...the ever increasing hold of Mammon, money, and material wealth that is threatening to choke the spiritual life out of our communities of faith. Our families, congregations and church institutions are claiming the right to ever more privilege, status, state of the art accommodations and lifestyles that are creating ever widening gaps between us and a world experiencing unprecedented hunger and homelessness.

...an increase in the hold that readily available media are having on our daily lives, with our children, teens, young adults and members of all ages being exposed to an unbelievable barrage of pornography, propaganda, deceptive and seductive advertisements and other distractions from a life of faithfully following Jesus.

...an astonishing lack of concern on the part of the heterosexual as well as the non-heterosexual community over a kind of sexual permissiveness that has elevated eros over agape, short term pleasure over lasting covenant-based commitments, and promiscuity over fidelity.

...a plague of violence and carnage in our nation, fed by an increased level of hurtful and divisive rhetoric that is dividing our communities and our congregations, amplifying our fears and our animosity toward named “enemies," and feeding the flames of an unprecedented military madness hellbent toward worldwide holocaust.

...an overconsumption of natural resources and fossil fuels that contribute to climate change and which threaten the very survival of our children and grandchildren, all of whom will be dealing with increased famines, wildfires, floods and ever more extreme weather events.

These troublesome and rapidly multiplying rodents are the ones our youth and young adults are typically seeing as the real “elephants in the room.”

Kyrie Elision,

Lord have mercy.

HARD TIME VIRGINIA Vol. 8, No. 1, an occasional newsletter for the incarcerated

2022 Parole Releases At A Historic Low 

Under New Administration

Regular/Discretionary Grants: 41

Geriatric Grants: 11

Dual Grants (both combined): 11

Board Review Grants: None

Total Combined Grants to Parole for 2022: (63)

The Augusta Correctional Center housed 290 parole eligible offenders as of June 10, 2022. Only two offender's were granted parole in 2022, and of those who received a parole denial received three year deferrals along with increased reasons for their denial. Many of these men are "old law" offender's in their geriatric stage of life with a record of decades of positive rehabilitation and reform in their individual lives. Some have medical conditions that are costly to their continued incarceration, and have stable home plans and low risk assignments to be released.  - Jonathan White

We Are Still Waiting, Chairman Dotson 

I had a half hour phone conversation in November with Chadwick Dotson, the new chair of the Virginia Parole Board, about some longstanding concerns many have about our present parole system. He had read my column in the February 5, 2022 Richmond Times on parole and said he was in substantial agreement with the  reforms proposed by the Prison Policy Initiative as cited in my Times piece. 

The Chairman reiterated his desire to give every parole eligible person a fair hearing and a second chance, but admitted that so far the Board's grant rates haven't reflected the change in numbers he hopes to see in the upcoming months. Not all members of his Board agree on how, among other things, the seriousness of an individual's crime should affect a decision about their release versus the seriousness with which they have worked at their rehabilitation. He stated several times that he would like to be able to have more members have actual conversations with the individuals whose cases are being reviewed so they could interact with real persons and not just with data provided by board examiners. Since three of the five board members are only part time, this remains a challenge.

He also said that victims and victim families deserve to have a voice but not a veto in deciding a case, and that everything possible should be done to carry out the Parole Board's stated mission, which is to "grant release to those whose release is compatible with public safely." He also said he would seriously consider the suggestion made by many that all favorable votes be reported as well as unfavorable ones. Currently voting stops when three board members vote to deny release (via a remote computer) which means parole eligible persons never know whether the remaining vote or votes would have been a yes or a no.

Dotson agreed that the element of hope for release is vital to the morale of those incarcerated and to the safety of the prisons housing them, and that detainees deserve to know why they are repeatedly denied release time after time in spite of all of their efforts at remaining infraction free and in spite of their availing themselves of every rehabilitative program offered.

The chairman reported that he and other board members have visited numerous other states to see how they are working at granting parole, and says they are working on a new procedural manual that is to be presented to Governor Youngkin by the end of he month for his review and approval for the upcoming year. He hopes the 2023 Virginia Assembly and Senate will support these and other measures to help bring about positive changes in the way Virginia's criminal justice system functions.

As to the work of the Parole board, "Wait and see what happens in the next number of months," he said, "as we engage in 'structured decision making' regarding the future of all cases under review." 

- Harvey Yoder, editor, cochair of Valley Justice Coalition Box 434, Harrisonburg, VA 22803

From The Editor’s Mailbag

“Keefe has again raised commissary prices, by 8.5 %, but there have been no pay raises for prison workers for decades.”  - Charles E. Zellers, Sr. BKCC

"Here I am, at 73, with a lot of health problems, having spent almost 31 years in prison. I know the good Lord has helped me more than prison has. I've learned a lot from the Bible about right and wrong, and how to respect others...." - Kenneth Pack, BKCC

“I hope Parole Chairman Dotson holds true to what he is saying. About a hundred of us met with him... When they turn down a guy like Jeffrey A. Smith, who has a stack of certificates an inch thick, has educated himself, getting a college degree and helped countless people it makes no sense to me. I've known the guy over 24 years and could guarantee that if granted release he would never even jaywalk.I go up in a year and nine months. We'll see.”  - John Livesay,  GCC

“I need to go on medication before a stroke or heart attack arrives over high cholesterol. I'm trying to get used to dorm living after 30 years at a high security level. The article you printed on dormitory incarceration is very true. Those of us who have been in prison for decades should all be placed in institutions with single cells offered to those who want them. I'll be going up for parole in the second quarter of 2023 ... I have a home and a job waiting for me on a farm in WV.”   - Branson Fink, DFCC

“It was a bad year. I lost my sister-in-law of 40 years, my mom and younger brother. They are missed, but I rejoice because they are in the best of hands and I will see them again.”    - Daniel N. Leneave, GCC

“Many good men here are holding on by a long deferred thread of hope that in the coming years the legislature allows for parole to be reinstated in Virginia. One of my best friends is serving a 23 year sentence for his first run in with the law--for drugs. He's 55 now and knows very well it could be a life sentence considering the poor nutrition and sedentary lifestyle here…If DOC was truly in the business of rehabilitating, programming for everyone would be their central focus.  - Thomas Stover, DCC

“Many elderly inmates have deteriorated to the extent they no longer pose a danger to anyone; yet they remain incarcerated, costing taxpayers across America billions of dollars in a cycle of diminishing returns for society, their families and themselves. Research shows that the increase in prison population has not been driven by mere crime, but by policies that send more people to prison and keep them for longer periods of time, in turn a trend to increasing number of older inmates.”  - Stephano Colosi, BKCC

“I have been denied parole 20 times. In 2005 my family, future employer, minister and attorney met with the Parole Board and were told I had done everything that I could, so it was just a matter of when they want to let me go. I am now 66, and could have been paroled when I was 44… Both my parents have died while I have been awaited release… At 66, I am retired from crime.”  - Larry E. Patterson, DFCC

“I've lost all my family members who cared enough to send cards in the past 23 years, so I only get a few during the holidays. I'm still on a quest to have an Ancestry D.N.A. test done so I can find my biological father, who is unaware of my existence. My mother served in the Navy with him and never told my father about me. She left the service and gave me up to my grandparents who adopted and raised me. The VA Department of Corrections just won't let me use a D.N.A. test. I've tried everything I could think of. It's an ongoing battle, but I feel that all hope is lost and I will never find my father before he passes away. The passage of time slowly takes away all the joy of life and leaves nothing but sadness, but your card helped a little for that. Merry Christmas.”  - Tom Melnyczyn, DFCC (editors note: This is part of a response to a Christmas card sent by a friend as encouraged on my Harvspot blog)

Ten Things You Can Do For Your Country

From Kennedy's January 20, 1961 inauguaral speech

In times like these, here is the kind of message I would love to hear from politicians, educators, presidents and religious leaders everywhere:

My fellow Americans, the only way a nation can become truly great is for its citizens to become truly good. So in the spirit of John F. Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you...” here are ten things you can do for your country:

1. Become friends with people who are different from you. Engage in conversations in which you listen to, and learn from, the diversity of your respective cultures, traditions and faith convictions.

2. Be generous with your neighbors in need. Government programs must do their part, but each of us needs to give generously of our time and resources to help those less fortunate across the street and around the world.

3. Live a life of integrity and responsibility. Do your best at your work or school every day. Never defraud your workers, employers, government agencies, insurance companies, or any other persons or institutions.

4. Obey all legitimate laws, and work to change unjust ones. Be law abiding not just for fear of being caught but simply because of who you are and the good example you want to set for others.

5. Respect all life from the womb to the tomb. Honor the unborn, and help spare the already born from the ravages of abuse, hunger, disease, poverty, injustice, war and all forms of violence.

6. Reserve “going all the way” with a chosen partner until you are publicly committed to “going all the way” in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, until death do you part. Be faithful to your spouse, and if you have children, bring them up in a stable, loving and nurturing household.

7. Take special care of the planet’s soil, air and water. Reduce wasteful consumption by living simply, buying locally, reusing and enjoying more of what you already have, recycling everything possible, and by relying less on forms of energy that pollute the atmosphere and waste scarce resources.

8. Don’t harm your body with tobacco, illegal drugs, or other harmful substances. Take personal responsibility for your health by eating right, exercising regularly and maintaining a good level of emotional and spiritual well-being.

9. Honor your parents, grandparents and all aging and dependent persons. Care for them as you would want to be cared for when you become unable to care for yourself.

10. Avoid entertainment media that promote pornography, denigrate women, and glorify violence--and make sure to protect children from their destructive influences. Spend less time with TV, screen media, video games and the internet and more time in wholesome interactions with real people.

With God’s help and the help of good people in our congregations and communities, we could truly make ours a great nation and the whole world a better neighborhood. In the process we could save billions in law enforcement and court expenses, in health care costs, in prisons and in social service programs.

Best of all, none of the above would require special legislation or more tax dollars, only more personal responsibility by ordinary citizens like you and me.

A revised version of a July 11, 2011 blog.

Jesus Tried To Come Back Last Thursday

Duane Hershberger began working with Habitat for
Humanity in Americus, GA, and now heads up the Greater
LycomingHabitat organization in Williamsport, PA.

I heard Duane Hershberger sing this song he composed about "The Second Coming of Jesus Christ" at a mutual friend's 80th birthday party a number of years ago, and am posting it here with his kind permission:

Jesus tried to come back last Thursday afternoon.

Arrived on the corner of Third and Main. 
Thrift store Yankee’s jersey, number seven, of course.
hadn’t bathed in a week, smelling strange.
And the people passing by did not notice he was god
Talking on the phone and texting. 
Some met his eyes and then looked away
Vaguely disturbing and perplexing.

To see Jesus and a homeless guy as one
Just standing there like any mother’s son.
Instead of busting through the clouds or in the garden on his knees
Just showing up disguised as the least of these. 

Jesus tried again last Monday night. 
Walked into the ER without a dime. 
Nine months and one week pregnant, seventeen years old. 
Not so immaculate this time. 
And a guy with a cross pendant just shook his head. 
At the shame and disgrace before him.
Angels were not singing at least that he could hear
No wise men around to adore them,

Or see Jesus and a scared child as one
Old, old story, homeless mother and a son
Instead of busting through the clouds or in the garden on his knees
Just showing up disguised as the least of these.

Jesus tried one more time, under the desert moon, 
Walked right across the Texas border. 
Immigration picked him up, hauled him off to jail,
Said his papers weren't in order. 
The judge said, "young man, we have no room for you. 
You must go back to where you came from.  
Then one nation under God sent Jesu Christo home. 
A poor family's son was not welcome. 

Oh Jesus, when we see you today
Might extend a hand or we might walk away
If you’re not busting through the clouds or in the garden on your knees
Just showing up disguised as the least of these.
He keeps showing up disguised as the least of these.

You can listen to his recording here: https://soundcloud.com/duane-hershberger-935519902/second-coming-of-jesus-christ

Still Inspired By Bender's Anabaptist Vision

More recent historian's have questioned
Bender's views as failing to represent the 
wide range of beliefs and practices of
16th century Anabaptist groups, but his
dream still inspires.

It was my reading a copy of Harold S. Bender's 1942 "Anabaptist Vision" speech to the Society of Church Historians that lit my fire as an Amish teenager, and was part of what influenced me to enroll at Eastern Mennonite University (then EMC) at age 21. 

Bender's widely acclaimed presentation underscored three main Anabaptist themes, 1) an emphasis on discipleship, i.e., applying the teachings of Jesus to daily life, 2) an understanding of church as a voluntary community practicing mutual care and accountability, and 3) a commitment to a life of nonviolent, Christ-like love for all fellow human beings, friend and enemy alike. 

In moving to the Mennonite community in Harrisonburg I assumed I would be becoming a part of a church that embodied that vision. This was true in part, but I also found that the fundamental vision of EMC and most Virginia Conference congregations was more like those of other mainstream evangelical Protestants than that of the Anabaptist movement Bender described in his 1942 speech, which he introduced with these words by Rufas M. Jones, Quaker writer:

"Judged by the reception it met at the hands of those in power, both in Church and State, equally in Roman Catholic and in Protestant countries, the Anabaptist movement was one of the most tragic in the history of Christianity; but, judged by the principles, which were put into play by the men who bore this reproachful nickname, it must be pronounced one of the most momentous and significant undertakings in man's eventful religious struggle after the truth. It gathered up the gains of earlier movements, it is the spiritual soil out of which all nonconformist sects have sprung, and it is the first plain announcement in modern history of a programme for a new type of Christian society which the modern world, especially in America and England, has been slowly realizing -an absolutely free and independent religious society, and a State in which every man counts as a man, and has his share in shaping both Church and State." 

I remain concerned that today's teens and young adults, like those of my youth, are not likely to be drawn to a church primarily focused on maintaining correct theology and offering well planned worship services, but one that represents a movement dedicated to bringing hope and healing to the world they have inherited. Not that theological questions dealing with themes like creation, incarnation and atonement are unimportant, but they aren't the questions uppermost in their minds, at least not like those having to do with creation care, living and loving like Jesus and bringing an end to human suffering and violence.

Sixteenth century Anabaptists like Blaurock, Manz and Grebel (age 30 and under) became motivated by their new found faith to counter status quo, state aligned religion and state sanctioned violence rather than their being primarily interested in debating Catholic, Protestant or other creedal statements. Their main focus was on Christians putting into practice the actual words of the heaven-sent, God-governed 30-year-old Christ who clearly outlined how life on earth should be lived as a part of the worldwide God-movement. They understood Jesus and his followers as focusing not just on theology but on "do-ology," with Jesus's sermon on the mount concluding with "whoever hears these sayings of mine and does them" will be like those who "build on a solid rock foundation," the foundation Anabaptist leader Menno Simons repeatedly referred to as "one already laid, which is Jesus Christ."

At the end of his ministry Jesus commissioned his followers to recruit disciples who would obey (do) all that he had taught them and modeled for them. Today that would be to call people away from their enslavement to Mammon, Mars and Bacchus into God-birthed and heaven-governed communities of healing and shalom, who love God with a passion and who love their worldwide neighbors with a justice motivated compassion.

Preparing For The Coming 'Seven Lean Years'

"Neither death, nor life, nor things present, nor
things to come... nor anything in all creation,
can separate us from God's love," but many 
things can separate us from our wealth.

One cannot read history without becoming painfully aware of how swiftly and radically the life of whole nations and civilizations can be upended by economic failures, civil unrest, wars and natural disasters. 

Witness the disruption in the lives of millions of people in the apocalyptic World War II era, for example, or more recently those in famine-stricken sub saharan Africa, or the millions of our world neighbors in places like Ethiopia and Ukraine who are suffering terribly as a result of military conflicts.

In Jewish history a Hebrew in exile, Joseph, accurately interpreted the troubling dreams of an Egyptian Pharaoh as portending that seven years national prosperity would be followed by seven years of dire famine. 

Like people in ancient Egypt, most of us North Americans seem to assume our long run of economic growth will continue forever. It will not. Like the prosperous economies of all past empires, ours will one day experience its inevitable collapse. 

After the US recession of the early 80's the faculty of Eastern Mennonite High School, where I taught part time, engaged in a conversation about how we might continue to serve the needs of our constituency if there were another Great Depression. It was a hypothetical exercise, of course, but the group came up with ideas like voluntarily cutting our salaries, reducing heating and cooling costs by shortening summer vacation and having a break during the very coldest times of the year, going to a four day week with longer school days to reduce travel, utility, and cafeteria costs, lowering thermostats in the winter and raising them in warmer seasons, etc. 

In light of the needs of millions of our world neighbors already experiencing desperately lean years, what if we were to implement some of these kinds of cost cutting and energy saving measures during relatively good times? Joseph's advice, after all, was to have all of Egypt take measures during their years of prosperity that would help them and others to survive during the lean years.

Sadly, most of us humans seem to be hardwired to give priority to ensuring our immediate comfort and convenience rather than to practicing self denial and compassionate care for the needs of our world and next door neighbors as ourselves.  In the end, each of our wellbeing on the planet depends on the wellbeing of all.

Are We Becoming A Church Of MINOs (Mennonite In Name Only)?

Menno, though not without his faults, was far
ahead of his time as a writer and church leader.

One of my more memorable seminary courses involved the study of the 1069-page The Complete Writings of Menno Simons, and was taught by the late John C. Wenger, the translator of the work. I've since posted numerous blogs on Menno, and recently read Myron Augsburger's interesting historical novel, The Fugitive, on Menno's life.

As a member of a church that bears his name I have always appreciated the life and legacy of this 16th century reformer. Menno, a widely acclaimed priest in Friesland, made the courageous choice of aligning himself with the free church (Anabaptist) movement a decade after that it had its beginning in Switzerland. He never wanted to have a church named after him, but because he, unlike most of his fellow free church pastors, managed to escape martyrdom for a full 25 years and became the movement's most well known leader and its most prolific writer, peaceful Anabaptists in the Netherlands, as well as in Germany and Switzerland, became nicknamed as Menn-ists, and later as Menno-nites. 

One benefit of this misnomer was that it help distinguish the peaceful and non-violent branch of the movement from those who advocated the use of violent means of overthrowing jurisdictions aligned with a state-controlled church. 

Menno's survival is nothing short of a miracle, in that Holy Roman Emeror Charles V had a price of 100 guilders on his head, and decreed that anyone even providing him shelter was to be executed, and at least one person was. 

Today's North American heirs of the Anabaptist/Mennonite tradition tend to make much of the fact that they represent "a third way," that they are neither Protestant or Catholic but are unique in how they take following Jesus's teachings seriously, as in not resisting evil by evil means as taught in the Sermon on the Mount, on living a life of discipleship, simplicity and self denial, and by insisting that every believer must make their own decision about what faith, if any, they choose.

But in practice, are North American Mennonites really that different from other Christians?

1. Unlike most Mennonites today, Menno lived a life of voluntary poverty.

(God) knows that I seek not wealth, nor possessions, nor luxury, nor ease, but only the praise of the Lord, my salvation and the salvation of many souls. Because of this, I with my poor weak wife and children have for eighteen years endured excessive anxiety, oppression, affliction, misery and persecution. At the peril of my life I have been compelled everywhere to drag out an existence in fear. Yes, when the (state church) preachers repose on easy beds and soft pillows, we generally have to hide ourselves in out-of-the-way corners. When they at weddings and baptismal banquets revel with pipe, trumpet and lute, we have to be on our guard when a dog barks for fear an arresting officer has arrived. When they are greeted as doctors, lords and teachers by everyone, we have to hear that we are anabaptists, bootleg preachers, deceivers and heretics, and be saluted in the devil's name. In short, while they are gloriously rewarded for their service with large incomes and good times, our recompense and portion must be fire, sword and death. (p. 674 Complete Writings of Menno Simons)

2. Unlike most progressive Mennonite churches, Menno did not support having a salaried ministry and special houses of worship.

 "...humble yourselves and become unblameable disciples, that you may thereafter be called ministers...pastor diligently, preach and teach valiantly, cast from you all filthy lucre and booty; rent a farm, milk cows, learn a trade if possible, do manual labor as Paul did, and all that which you then fall short of will doubtless be given you and provided by pious brethren, by the grace of God, not in superfluity, but as necessity requires." (p. 451)

...they, our opponents, have no more command to baptize children than Israel to circumcise females, or to build churches, altars and places of worship on hills or in valleys... (p. 713)

...I therefore let you judge whether they believe from the heart who with the mouth say that the blood of Christ is the atoning sacrifice for their sin, and nevertheless seek and follow after all kinds of idolatry, ...stone churches and the drunken harloting of priests." (p. 393)

3. Unlike Mennonites who have become known as "the quiet in the land," Menno wrote and spoke openly to authorities, appealing for religious toleration and equal justice for everyone.

They say we will not obey the magistrates... We have obeyed them when not contrary to the word of God. We intend to do so all our lives. (But) Love compels us to respectfully and humbly show all high officials what the Word of God commands them, how they should rightfully execute their office to the glory and praise of the lord... (p. 549) to punish the transgressors and protect the good; to judge rightly between a man and his fellows; to do justice to the widows and orphans and to the poor, to rule cities and countries justly by a good policy and administration, not contrary to God’s Word but to the benefit of the common people. (p. 551)

4. Unlike later Amish and Old Order Mennonite groups, Menno did not advocate for  any kind of distinctive dress or headgear different from that of other ordinary members of the working class. But unlike more progressive Mennonite groups, he did write about simplicity in matters of personal appearance.

...whatsoever you do, do it in the name and fear of the Lord Jesus. Do not adorn yourselves with gold, silver, costly pearls, embroidered hair and expensive, unusual dress. Use such clothing as becomes women professing godliness and which is suitable for your occupation... (p.383)  and if (lavish dress) is forbidden to women, how much more to men who are the leaders and heads of their wives! (p.377)

5. Unlike many evangelical leaders of his day and of ours, Menno strongly advocated for justice for the poor and for the working class.

...For true evangelical faith is of such a nature that it cannot lie dormant, but manifests itself in all righteousness and acts of love, it dies to flesh and blood, it destroys all forbidden lusts and desires, it seeks and serves and fears God, it clothes the naked, it feeds the hungry,  it comforts the sorrowful, it shelters the destitute, it aids and consoles the sad, it returns good for evil... (p.307)

Question: How have North American Mennonites benefited from the violence of others who killed and banished native Americans and took over their land?

Can Parents And Adult Children Become Peers?

In family therapy sessions involving stressed relationships between parents and adult children, I have asked, What if each adult member of the family were to see themselves and every other adult member as respected peers rather than as either elevated parents or deferential children?

It may be hard to envision a truly level playing field in our very human families when, understandably, each son or daughter has spent their first formative 18 years of life in a one-down position, where parents exercised varying degrees of significant power and control.

At some level most parents do accept their responsibility to "raise" and to "bring up" their young to full adult stature and to take their rightful place alongside them all other adults on the planet. Yet perceptions of long held roles and rules for relationships don't magically change on the day teens reach their 18th birthday.

I'll always remember one former parishioner, a young woman who left home to work in another community some distance away, lamenting that while in her new community she was beginning to feel like a full-fledged, card carrying adult, that the moment she came home for a visit she again felt like the dependent, insecure teen in her family.

This may not have been the intention of her parents, but long held, familiar paradigms on the part of both parents and offspring aren't readily or rapidly changed. And the problem may not just be one of parents being reluctant to give up their long held positions, but newly established adults may have an equally difficult time picturing themselves as genuinely equal to their older parents. 

Of course equal doesn't mean identical. Parents may always claim a greater level of wisdom in some areas based on years of lived experience, but on the other hand young adults may have the benefit of a far better understanding of current life, culture and technology than their parents. In other words there are valued gifts, strengths and levels of insight on each side of the relationship equation.

As humans age, differences in age normally make less and less difference. For example, compare the gap between an adult parent and a preschool child to that of the same two decade-or-more age difference when the parent is 60 and the child 40. Which means an older adult son or daughter might benefit from realizing they are now in the age bracket their parents were when they pictured them, at 40, as extremely powerful. Likewise they could remind themselves that their parents also once felt diminished and as walking on eggshells in their relationship with their own parents (and that in fact many still do).

So what if we were to try a different paradigm in families made up of adults, to begin to connect with each other as flawed but precious fellow human beings, as good siblings might, and as they would any other respected peers.

After all, every adult family member, of whatever age, while always having lots of growing up to do, nevertheless deserves to be seen as being fully "of age," having been "raised" and "brought up" to function as mature grownups.

Sadly, while chronologically "coming of age" happens at 18, actually feeling the part may come much, much later, if at all, resulting in a lack of a feeling of warmth and closeness to other family members we all wish for.