On The Ninth Day Of Christmas: Offering Allowances

How do we help kids learn wise
money management?

As stated earlier, I'm not a proponent of paying children to do the kinds of chores every member of a household should take turns doing, but only for special projects one might hire someone else's son or daughter to do.

But some kind of fixed "salary" (allowance) for younger members of the household (kindergarten age and up), as a means of learning good lessons in money management, can be a very good thing, and needn't cost the household a dime.

How is that, you ask? By basing the allowance on the amount of money we are already doling out for a defined set of miscellaneous items (recreational and optional in nature) that they will now be personally responsible to pay. The defined items might start with candy bars and ice cream cones for the young to eventually having them purchase their own clothes, shoes, etc., as teens. In other words, they become responsible to manage that part of the family's finances, and learn through buyers' remorse to make wise purchases as well as to learn to live within their prescribed budget. 

Thus no more begging for things on their list for which they should have ample funds to pay for. Whether, or what, they buy will be totally up to them, as long as the purchases are legal, not harmful, and within budget, all in an effort to help them learn how life in the real world works.

Loans can be requested from a "First Family Bank of Savings and Loans", but they should carry a hefty weekly interest, deducted from the next allowance payment. The rate of interest will be the same as the First Family Bank will pay per month if the child chooses to save some of their allowance. And to encourage generosity, parents might also agree to match each child's giving to the church or to the charity of their choice.

Another component of this plan can be to have a well defined Family Legal System (a set of family rules everyone is expected to abide by), then to have a well-understood fine system that results in a modest monetary amount deducted for each infraction. Giving a fine should, by the way, never be accompanied by a lecture or lengthy sermon, but delivered in the way a professional police officer would write a traffic ticket, or a supervisor at work write up an employee for violating company policy. Thus children learn from reasonable consequences, respectfully and consistently carried out,  again based on the way the real world works. Examples of fines could be a deduction for household chores not done, or for taxi service if a child doesn't get him or herself out of bed, dressed and on the bus in time. Or for hitting or yelling. The amount of a fine, predetermined so there are no surprises, is reasonable and based on the amount of income.

This doesn't mean there aren't other consequences for other infractions, based on some kind of "restorative justice" (acknowledging a harm done and making it right). But in all of the above ways children learn from their own choices, and learn that it is wiser to live by the rules. These rules remain firmly in place until or unless modified by parents or brought about by agreements made in occasional family council meetings.

Much love, many blessings.

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas: Teaching Responsibility

Children find it rewarding to do meaningful grownup work.

Some time ago I read an article that suggested that by the time children leave home they should have learned all the skills needed to manage and maintain a household of their own, that is, how to take care of finances, pay bills, prepare healthy meals, clean house, take care of clothes, and do minor repairs. Such instruction is a part of our job description as parents.

I know that sounds like a lot of work, and it may feel easier and more efficient just to do a lot of the household chores ourselves, but children really need (and won't necessarily resent) the challenges involved in upgrading their skills and their level of responsibility to more adult levels. They will resent our nagging, complaining and treating them disrespectfully in the process, of course. 

Until the widespread availability of many of today's screen-based games, much of children's play involved imitating adult work, playing the roles of admired grownups in their lives, which makes play a vital part of their education. Of course children will always dislike the same kind of tasks we all dislike, the boring and repetitious kind, the kind we all need to take turns doing simply because we are a responsible part of the household, like washing dishes, cleaning or making beds. 

All such work is an important part of being a responsible and functional adult. Meanwhile,  I've become less inclined to favor paying children for these kinds of normal and necessary shared chores, but to pay them only for special jobs we might normally hire some other outside person to do for us. In those cases, they can make a competitive bid for the job and be hired to do it, all as a part of learning how the real world works.

I do, however, believe in giving school age children a regular allowance as their "salary" (with annual increases) with their then becoming responsible for more and more of their own purchases. But more on that in my next post.

Much love, many blessings.

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas: Everyday Communion

Everything we eat gives up its life for us.

In our busy-ness, it's easy to make times of preparing and partaking of daily bread just another of the necessary tasks on our pressing to-do lists. We become focused on simply making the process as efficient as possible. 

But the older I get the more I see family and other meal times as having the potential for becoming much more than that. They can be daily rituals that are vital to nurturing our bonds with each other along with our sense of reverence for life--and for its Creator and Provider.

All of the meat, the vegetables and the fruit of the earth our Creator has provided for our tables has literally given up its life to make our existence possible, thus making meals a kind of eucharistic experience. Think of God being present with words like "this represents my body, my blood, my life" given for all of you. Think of all the people around the world who have contributed to our having this abundance to enjoy.

So as we partake of our fair share of the world's "daily bread", we need to be aware that we never eat this manna alone, but at one table with all God's children, all receiving God's everyday grace.

I know that sounds a little lofty, but I do believe that all communal meals can invite conversations that deepen the ties that bind us all together. And that all of our around-the-table times can nourish not only our bodies, but soul and spirit as well. 

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas: Parenting Like Jesus

How would Jesus parent?

I doubt if there's an older parent alive who doesn't long for years gone by when they were celebrating life with their lively and growing family. Missing all of that, and regretting missed opportunities, is enough to make your heart hurt.

None of us knows all we might do differently if we could try this all over again. For myself, I might try to focus more on some things I wrote a couple of years ago, as follows:

Since Jesus had no biological children, we seldom think of him as a model for parenting. But he was a fully engaged mentor to twelve young followers with whom he practiced the kind of assertive toughness and soft tenderness we could all learn from, and showed great concern for the wellbeing of the young.

1) Jesus gives high priority to children and condemns in the strongest terms any kind of disrespect or harm done to an innocent child. 

2) Jesus affirms the teachableness, defenselessness and dependency of children as examples we can learn from.  

3) Jesus teaches his followers faith and values by word and everyday example, explains things by using simple illustrations, devotes himself to meeting his followers' needs, shows them honor and respect, prays for them, answers their questions, engages them in ongoing conversations, charges them with challenging work assignments, and is assertive in correcting them as needed. 

4) Jesus corrects by word and by reproof, without the use of any form of physical force. He nowhere advocates the use of a rod or any kind of physical violence toward anyone of any age.

5) Jesus’s teaching about dealing with someone who commits a wrong (Matthew 18:15-17) serves as a model for correcting behavior of people of all ages:

     a) Appeal to the offending person respectfully and in private.

     b) Address the issue (the fault) rather than attack or put down the person.

     c) Appeal for change rather than simply administer punishment.

     d) Take another with you if necessary to urge a change of heart and behavior.

     e) As the ultimate sanction, remove the offender from fellowship with the rest of the family (a form of time out!) until the misbehavior is acknowledged and corrected.

Much love, some tears and many prayers.

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas: Harnessing Power

Some good rules for children of all ages.

"Of course there is the anger where the love is strong.

It spills like gasoline.

...but it's a power we can draw upon

if it fuels the right machine."

                                           - David Wilcox

I grew up feeling very mistrustful of power, but learning lots of self-effacing humility and gelassenheit from my loving and praying parents. As an adult I became convinced that "all power corrupts", associating it with being domineering and controlling.

In our role as parents, we often discourage early signs of assertiveness, fearing it might lead to children becoming too aggressive or overbearing. "Tame it down," we say. "Be nice. Hold it back. Hold it in."

There's wisdom in that, but while there are of course many unacceptable expressions of power, there are also many necessary forms of it we need to be fearless and fully-functioning followers of Jesus. Sometimes we aren't aroused enough at things that anger the heart of God, and often we express power in unacceptable ways.

As parents we are to "bring up" and to "raise". So rather than disempowering those in our care, our job is to empower and encourage with every confidence needed to gain and maintain the stature and strength to see ourselves as equal to every other adult on the planet--no more and no less.

To feel under-empowered is to invite either depression or aggression. To experience Christ-like power is to be able to express an agape love that is tough as Teflon and yet capable of being genuinely tender with those weak or hurting.

Here Jesus is our model. He is able to demonstrate a no-nonsense authority that commands respect, and rids the temple courts of unjust money-changers, but also exercise the kind of soft power that holds infants in his arms and gently raises the afflicted and lost to new life. Even when he strategically chooses to endure evil rather than inflicting it, and even when spit upon and mocked, he is never defeated but always remains unbowed and unbent.

In short, it's not a matter of power over, but power with, power used for the primary purpose of empowering others, especially the children in our care but also spouses and others with whom we share a truly equal relationship.

In this context even anger, as in Wilcox's words, can be "a power we can draw upon". Spilled in an uncontrolled or vindictive way it can do irreparable damage, but used in well-engineered "right machine" it can be a great force for good, authoritative rather than authoritarian, respectfully self-giving rather than self-serving.

Much love, many prayers.

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas: Prizing Creation

Sheer amazement can happen anywhere.

This is the fourth in a series of posts for each of  the twelve days of Christmas, adapted from some emails I've sent to our three adult children:

One of the things I'm always delighted to see in our grandchildren is a strong respect and love for the God-created out-of-doors. I well remember our first grandchild, for example, at five, telling me, while digging around in the soil behind our house, that she might not go to college, but wanted to be a "nature helper", sharing with others her love of all things growing, living and breathing around her. 

Children are born with this kind of wonder and curiosity, but also learn from their parents and other role models to delight in all of creation--from the breathtaking vastness of space to the intricate design of the smallest visible creature or plant in their backyard. In the interest of this kind of exploration, what if each family member could be assigned a couple of square yards of space outdoors to explore as though it were the size of a vast expanse of earth being discovered by human beings for the first time, and then have each report to the rest of the family the soil, the minerals and plants, animals and insects that live and thrive there? Amazement can be found everywhere, a gift far better than mere amusement.

One ingredient missing in some children's lives is the lack of access to natural places, but that is not the real problem in most of our homes and neighborhoods. Another missing piece may be the lack of sufficient boredom, if you will, the kind that helps motivate children to find "something to do" when they are surrounded by far too many screen-based options for their entertainment. Maybe a bit of boredom, with the burden of remedying it being more on the child than on the adult, isn't at all a bad thing!

Much love, many blessings.

Two other favorite posts on this topic:

http://harvyoder.blogspot.com/2011/03/million-thousand-million-earthworms.html

http://harvyoder.blogspot.com/2012/03/out-and-about.html

On The Third Day Of Christmas: Embracing Mortality

This is the third in a series of posts  for each of  the twelve days of Christmas, adapted from some emails I've sent to our three adult children--beloved uncles, aunts and parents of our six grandchildren:

I often wonder about the impact of the death of friends, family members, and even pets, on children. I well remember as a child having a mortal dread of the moment when one of my parents would lift me to see the body of a deceased person in a coffin at a viewing. 

I don't remember my children sharing that fear. Maybe I conditioned them to seeing bodies in caskets by occasionally taking them on pastoral rounds that included a stop at Grandles Funeral Home, thus introducing them to this sad but inevitable part of life, for better or worse.

My prayer for all this week is that each of us, young or old or in between, can embrace and celebrate all of life from beginning to end, from birth to what we believe is a second birthing, one that delivers us from the womb of this world to the new and forever life beyond.

When the time comes to enter the new world, may we all "lay ourselves down to sleep" with the satisfaction that we've accomplished our mission, one of helping, for God's sake, to make this present world a little a better place for our having lived in it.

Much love, many prayers.