An Art Buchwald Column: "Thou Shalt Not Kill"

Jewish satirist Buchwald (1925-2007) was one of
 the most widely read US columnists of all time.

I recently found this copy of a newspaper column among some papers I had saved many years ago. 

Moses (nervously): Lord, it looks like you'll have to do a revision of your Ten Commandments... especially here where it says, "Thou shalt not kill."

The Lord: It certainly seems perfectly clear and concise.

Moses: But it's causing an awful lot of hassle among your theologians... For example, they can't agree on when life begins; some say at conception, some at the fetal stage, and some not until the moment of birth.

The Lord (puzzled): But why would anyone want to kill an unborn child?

Moses: Perhaps on the chance that it might be deformed.

The Lord: In that case, why don't they wait to see whether it's deformed before they kill it?

Moses: Oh, all theologians oppose killing children after they're born. Except, of course, at a distance of more than 500 yards.

The Lord: Why 500 yards?

Moses: Only in wartime, Sir. It's terrible to kill a child with a rifle bullet and an atrocity to do so with a bayonet. But theologians agree that it is permissible, if regrettable, to blow them up with high powered explosives, as long as they're dropped from an airplane or fired from a missile, particularly if you do so to save them from atheistic Communism.

The Lord: I suppose it would do that.

Moses: Of course, once a child is 18 he may be killed in any fashion on the battlefield except with poison gas. The use of poison gas, in war, theologians agree, is a great atrocity.

The Lord: Then where do they use it?

Moses: Only in state operated gas chambers. It is used there because it is the most humane way to kill people.

The Lord: But if it's the most humane... Never mind. Is that all?

Moses: O yes, germ warfare. It is also unthinkable to save people from atheistic Communism by inflicting them with any fatal sickness--except radiation sickness, which can cause a lingering and painful death.
     So, Lord, I have a proposed draft of a change here... It begins "Thou shalt not kill any person between the ages of minus 4 months to 18 years at a distance of less than 500 yards with any of the following...

The Lord: Never mind, Moses. I have a better idea. Gabriel? Gabriel, come here. And bring your trumpet.

I have been unable to find this on line in order to provide a link to it. Whoever holds the copyright may feel free to contact me.