Relationships: Aiming For Deep Or For Wide?

Someone I really love and admire just sent me an email that's left me praying for a basic change of focus in my life. At my age that may not be easy, but it's something I know I need to take seriously.

The email, from a friend who suffers from chronic pain and whose activities and social life are significantly restricted, in part reads as follows: 

In a day when broadcast communication has become such

a norm... we as rushed, driven people are so overrun with communication from all sides that I fear we are finding it hard to sit down and map out a serious area of Bible study or reflection for our own growth, or to pray for long blocks of time.

Even in my quiet world the phone calls me with so many messages or voices from those I love. Often we share so much of the trivial with others that we hardly have time left to give from deep within ourselves to our families and neighbors--those who live closest to us. 

So how do we keep ourselves as deep wells from which we share things that can impact for eternity those who reach into our lives? Maybe we need to be purposely shutting the door to some of the good we could do further away in order to offer deeper things to those within our reach.

I pray we can be whole people who can be oil upon the head for everyone God sends our way. Christ became flesh so we could know as He knew what it was like to walk all the way to the cross. 

Teach me to be more like Christ. Teach me to do ministry as He did, reaching out to the crowds, yet sitting down with His twelve and revealing deep things of the Kingdom.  

It was the simple word deep in her post that I couldn't shake off. I found myself asking whether too much of my life has been spent in efforts to go wide rather than focusing on going deep. In other words, have I been so driven to reaching ever more people through social media, radio spots, blogging, writing and speaking opportunities that I failed to experience enough of the heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul connections I need with God and with other people? And might a change in this area mean my connecting with fewer people rather than always striving to connect with more?

My first impulse was to rationalize by defending a need to do both. After all, Jesus spent long days offering healthcare and soul care to crowds of people, but also set aside time for solitude, prayer and fasting, and for deepening his connection with God and with an intimate group of close friends and followers.

My problem has been to find the right balance. But I'm already convinced this means making meditation and reflection a priority over being driven to get ever more work done in a day. In other words, my going deep needs to take precedence over going wide. I need to focus more on fostering intimate and nurturing connections and not just instant and superficial ones.

The following is a kind of ladder of different levels of communication we humans may experience, from the least intimate to the most intimate:

Ritual Communication: As a means of establishing connections, this a necessary first step in all relationships. This includes our "hello's," "how are you's?" "good morning's," etc.

Information-Level Communication: Here we focus on life events, news happenings, and on task-related information.

Opinion-Level Communication: Here we discuss ideas and opinions about current events or personal beliefs.

Feeling-Level Communication: Here we share personal emotions of joy, sadness, grief, anger and the like. 

Soul-Level Communication: This includes times of deep, reflective listening, involving body language and touch that convey caring and empathy, as well as including times of golden silence. This often involves the use of words, but goes well beyond words to an experience of soulful communion.

Each of these levels of connection has its place, but I want to see this as a ladder for descent and not just ascent. I need to learn better how to go deep before I spend more effort at going wide.