Listening To Men

"Masculine and Mennonite--Ministering to Men in our Congregations” was the title of a workshop I led at a Virginia Conference Assembly many years ago. Since I had never led a seminar of its kind before, I wasn't sure what kind of response to expect.

Over thirty people attended, and my first surprise was that a third of them were women. 

I was also intrigued by the following:

1. Many men see society's perceptions of them as almost entirely negative.

My first question to the group was, “What are some of the common images people have of men today?” The first eight characteristics mentioned (all by men) were macho, competitive, holding and controlling power, non-feeling, abusive, non-communicative, sex-crazed, and wimpy, hardly the kind of qualities you'd want in persons you want to spend a lot of time with. Only after I noted how negative these descriptions were did we get several positive words, like strong, providing leadership, and hard-working. At least one of these was offered by a woman.

2. Men feel badly about their negative stereotypes, but are at a loss to know how to change them.

Like others I’ve had conversations with, the men in the workshop seemed hesitant to complain for fear of being misunderstood. Most agreed men deserved some of the negative stereotypes they're labeled with, so didn’t want to appear defensive, or as men who just “don’t get it.” They believe they are “getting it,” or are at least trying to. Some feel battered by the charges brought against them, feel blamed for crimes they don’t believe they personally commit, for macho attitudes they feel they no longer have, and for situations they are at a loss to know how to change.

3. Most men do not see women in general, or feminists in particular, as their enemy.

Most men really like women, need women, often seek them out when they need a good friend to talk to. Most in my group seemed totally willing to relate to women as equals, to seek a truce in the war between the sexes. Rather than coming through as adversarial or antagonistic in the face of feminist anger, they leaned more toward feeling vaguely guilty and confused. There were no obvious machismo types in this group, none who spoke out for holding on to patriarchal gender roles. Many saw feminist perspectives as a helpful and necessary corrective, an important first word about what men need to work at, if not necessarily the last word.

4. Many men feel intimidated in expressing what they are thinking and feeling in the presence of women.

After the session, a number of men admitted to me that they felt uncomfortable expressing what they really felt with women being a part of the group, and wished privately they could have had the entire hour to themselves. In the workshop, they were unanimous in agreeing they feel anything but “powerful” in the presence of women, and that in fact women held certain forms of psychological power over them they found hard to define and equally hard to stand up to. Some, not wanting to be defensive, were either cautious with their comments or chose to remain silent.

5. Men are relieved to hear that they are not irredeemably bad people, and that there is more than one side to the debate over male and female power.

One point well received in the workshop was that while men may have clearly benefitted more than women from living in male dominated societies, centuries-old systems of matriarchy/patriarchy have resulted in both benefits and hardships for both sexes. Examples given of the high price men have paid for their favored status were a) their life expectancy having become, on average, seven years shorter (though there was considerable debate as to what, if anything, this said about quality of life), b) traditionally male-held jobs being generally more hazardous and less desirable, c) men having more demands on their incomes than women, but actually doing less of the consumer spending, and d) men being psychologically and legally coerced into being “cannon fodder” for their nations' wars. Many had never even considered the down side of many of these “male privileges,” or thought about how men's tendencies to suppress their feelings about these or other stressors may be harming them.

6. Men feel a need for more conversations with other men--as well as with women--that will  help improve relationships between the genders.

“An hour is much too short,” “We need to do this again,” and “This was just enough to get started,” were among the comments made at the end of the workshop. If there was consensus on little else, everyone agreed that much remained to be done to bridge the gap between the sexes, and that men, as well as women, must summons the courage needed to express themselves honestly, respectfully, and empathically to each other.