'Couple's Meetings' Could Save Your Marriage

One of many books that can show us
how to avoid having problems turn
into crises.

Rather than having relationship problems come up at random and lead to useless and escalating arguments (involving two speakers and no listener) why not file problems and then address them in a timely, business-like way in a couple’s meeting? 

In these kinds of periodic problem solving sessions, we can make an "it" out of a difference or a difficult decision and attack "it" (the problem) rather than each other, just as partners in a successful business partnership do.

Here's a sample agenda for such meetings:

   1. Share compliments and appreciations. This sets a positive tone and is a reminder that there is more to a relationship than problems.

    2. Review any unfinished business from past meetings. 

    3. Review calendar and do necessary scheduling (including planning a date or dates for the two of you!) 

    4. Discuss any financial issues, take care of paying bills, etc. 

    5. Agree on a list of concerns, then take one item or problem at a time, as follows: 

    a. First discuss the issue in terms of each of your underlying interests (why this is so important), rather than first stating your positions (this is what you/we should do). 

    b. Throughout, always take turns being the speaker and the listener.  When you are the listener, make sure you fully understand the other to their satisfaction before you take your turn to speak. Use a talking stick if necessary https://harvyoder.blogspot.com/2013/11/speak-softly-and-carry-small-stick-eg.html!

    c. Take time to brainstorm ideas for possible solutions, generating as many new options as possible (no evaluating or critiquing during this part of the process). 

    d. After discussing some of the more agreeable options on the table, decide by consensus--or delay a decision if it’s not possible to come up with a win-win solution--or just agree on an interim solution.  Remember, no agreement needs to be set in stone for all time, but will be honored until it is reviewed and changed. 

    e. Decide how and by whom a decision is to be carried out, and what will happen if it isn’t.  Put both the agreement and a friendly, agreed on “consequence-for-not-following-through” in writing. 

    6. Decide on a time for your next couple’s meeting, and who will be responsible for making sure the session happens (of course, either can respectfully ask for a special meeting at any time). 

    7. Keep it under an hour, and end with some activity you both enjoy. 

    8. If all else fails see a mediator or counselor for help.