To Knot Or Not To Knot? Why We Should All Promote Pre-Engagement Counseling

Is much of our premarital counseling a waste of time?

As a pastor and marriage counselor I have long promoted the idea of couples not waiting until just weeks before their wedding to get some serious relationship counseling--and that it would be wise to do this before their engagement. It became clear to me that by the time most couples sought traditional premarital counseling it was unrealistic to ponder the really hard question of whether they were making a wise marriage choice. The date for their wedding had usually already been set by then, and postponing or cancelling their plans just felt too difficult.

During my years of teaching a high school family life course at Eastern Mennonite High School, and during the 16 years I worked as a part-time counselor to students at EMU, I strongly promoted pre-engagement counseling, and a significant number of couples began seeking it. With those who did, a number of them decided against becoming engaged (usually in cases where one or the other was already having some serious misgivings about the relationship), even though breaking up couples was not my goal.

At EMU we also began offering an annual Sunday afternoon "To Knot or Not to Knot" seminar for dating couples in serious relationships, in which we had a panel of a recently married couple, a seasoned older couple and a divorced person share some of the things they were glad to have resolved before tying the knot, and some things they really wish they had understood better prior to getting married.

The couples attending were given a compatibility exercise to do as a part of the three-hour workshop, one based on items from a premarital inventory, and the women attendees also met with the female presenters and the men with the male presenters for some further follow-up conversations.

Of course, no workshops or counseling sessions can fully prepare couples for a successful marriage, but the more help we can offer ahead of time on how to make the wisest possible choices, and how to avoid unpleasant post-marital surprises, the better.