Undocumented Marriages

Good, stable relationships are worth
registering and celebrating.

Meanwhile, Isaac, whose home was in the Negev, had returned from Beer-lahai-roi.  One evening as he was walking and meditating in the fields, he looked up and saw the camels coming. 
When Rebekah looked up and saw Isaac, she quickly dismounted from her camel. “Who is that man walking through the fields to meet us?” she asked the servant.

And he replied, “It is my master.” So Rebekah covered her face with her veil. Then the servant told Isaac everything he had done.

And Isaac brought Rebekah into his mother Sarah’s tent, and she became his wife. He loved her deeply, and she was a special comfort to him after the death of his mother.

Genesis 24:62-67 New Living Translation (NLT)

When I ask couples in my office how long they've been together, many distinguish between the years they have been legally married from the years they have simply lived together.

Most people see a significant difference between the two.  They assume that as long as a couple is not legally married that their partnership can be terminated without any major hassle.

While it is true that breakups of people just living together may seem less costly and less complicated than having to hire a attorneys and going through court hearings to work out their separation, the
"emotional divorce" people go through may be every bit as painful. And details regarding finances, property and, if there are children involved, custody and child support issues, may be equally complicated, or even more so.

The fact is, most couples living together are, for all practical purposes, about as "married" as two people can be. They just don't have their relationship registered and publicly celebrated.

There are legitimate reasons for a society to ask to have marriages documented, especially if there are children involved, but I also believe it is in the best interest of the couple. A public declaration of a decision to live together and share all things in common, along with gaining the public support of friends, family, and of ones congregational family, can add immeasurably to a couple's stability and to the durability of their relationship.

In any case, by pooling our finances and risking our future in the radical joint venture of moving in together, we are in fact actually "married", whether or not that is what we intend.

As an analogy, while it is a good thing for all drivers to have a driver's license, that is not what makes them drivers. They are in fact drivers because they get behind the wheel and share the same highway in the same way as the rest of us.

In scripture, the common elements involved in all male/female unions are found in Genesis 2:

For this reason they leave father and mother 
(establishing a separate and publicly recognizable relationship)
and become joined to one another 
(forming a faithful and exclusive relationship), 
and the two of them become united as 'one flesh'.
(experiencing a physically and emotionally bonded relationship).

These three factors are what make people truly 'married'.

In times past, the legal part of marriage was worked out between the families of the couple, as to what kind of dowry was required, for example. That agreement was typically celebrated by some kind of wedding feast and ceremony, symbolizing the support of the joined families and the rest of the entire community, a proven and positive way to launch a new relationship.

So if you have delayed officially registered and celebrated your living together relationship, I strongly recommend that you do so. It's the right thing to do as far as the law is concerned, and solemnizing and publicly announcing your journey together can be a great help in your arriving at "happily ever after".