Children Without Grandparents Are 'Lost People'

August Wilson 1945-2005

August Wilson, a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright who grew up in the Hill section of Pittsburgh, once made the statement, “ Children who don’t have connections with their grandparents are lost people. They don’t know who they are.”

Wilson, the fourth of six children born to an African-American  mother and a German immigrant father, was raised largely by his mother, a cleaning woman who divorced when he was quite young. He laments the number of children who grow up without the nurturing of a father, grandfather and/or a grandmother.

Or in some cases, a grandparent may be the only real mentor in children's lives, and all too many, regardless of economic status, live in communities in which people have few ties with each other, with their extended families, or with their past.

Children thrive best when they grow up in a clan of folks who tell them family stories, who model good values, and who provide wholesome role models and heroes for them to look up to and follow.

Where those networks don’t exist, our congregations and communities need to work at creating them, through forming relationships with adopted 'grand-mentors' who are willing to offer some good quality time to our young. We can't afford to have children learn only the worldview and values of their peers or of the media to which they are exposed.

I don't have many memories of my biological grandparents, the last surviving one having died when I was five. But I feel blessed to have had grown up with a strong, intergenerational extended family, along with a close-knit church family in which I had good surrogate grandparents.

And now we are blessed with six grandchildren, ages 5-10, for whom we hope we can provide some of the nurturing from which to launch future grandparents who can provide the same support for generations yet to come.

More Readers Air Opinions About MRRJ

Middle River Regional Jail

The comments in this post were submitted online by readers of the Staunton News-Leader's August 2 editorial, one which called for an independent investigation into alleged problems at the Middle River Regional Jail. This facility currently houses 150 inmates from our area as well as from Augusta and Page Counties. 

Please note that the treatment of inmates at Middle River Jail may not be significantly different from many other facilities. Certainly not every inmate will have the kinds of negative experiences described below, and most members of the MRRJ staff are undoubtedly dedicated and good people. It should also be noted that inmates do not receive free medical care and meds, as one comment suggests, but must pay for it.

I print the following responses (with editing only for brevity and clarity) without names, although all signed their online posts, :

"I'm so glad somebody is finally speaking out about this. I couldn't have said it better myself. So for those who say "So what, they are inmates,"  etc... first and foremost they are humans, and don't deserve to be treated they way they are. Not all inmates are murders or rapists, most at MRRJ are small time petty offenders. I have heard way to many stories about how they are talked to and treated. I don't care if it's a 90 year old man or 19 year boy, a life is a life and they deserve better."

"Why should inmates receive free medical care and meds? How does one break a hand in jail? If you have a heart problem or any other medical problems, don't do crimes. It's that simple!"

"And if you do a crime then you should be allowed to die?? If you have asthma and you have a prescription that is paid for and can be delivered you get denied. And they charge the inmates $3 dollars a day to stay, and to see the nurse it's $10.00."

"$3 daily rent? Whew, look out. And pay copays? Wow, I pay copays and I also have to pay for the insurance and a deductible before my insurance pays at all so yeah it's pretty good. And yeah if you are sick and you need meds and you know the jails don't provide them why are you committing crimes? Why should tax payers have to pay for people who are breaking the law?"

"I'm an ex resident of MRRJ and something very inhumane, adn downright disgusting was done to me but Ive got way more to deal with in my life than to complain about insensitive C.Os but it really is unjustified the way thy treat people."

"Reading certain posts here have actually gotten me pretty dismayed. How does one break their hand in jail? How does it happen anywhere? Many ppl are completely naive to situations that eventually land them in jail. I suppose not everyone had the good fortune of being brought up with the cynical hearts that prepare you for the predators out there. "

"$3 dollars a day, hmm. Seemingly dirt cheap, yes? To whom? The inmates can't pay it. It's families and friends that take on that burden and then still try to send commissary and phone money.  Fine, let's call it what it is. A money racket.... a business. Only problem is, inmates are getting low quality everything for the money they are required to pay. Should they have caviar? Obviously not. Should they be given respect and just adequate care. Yes. Pretty simple. "

"RIP Steve Rawley... Cancer unchecked after much complaining at MRRJ until he fell out and died two days later at AMC. Serving a year for habitual offender. Thats a driving charge. A DRIVING CHARGE. OUTRAGEOUS. "

"I have two brothers there....they are being mistreated and hit by guards and nothing is being done about it. they have filed grievance and no one looks at it, or it will take over a month to receive anything back. Some of the guards there think they can get away with everything. Its not fair. they may have broken the law and been sentenced to jail, but they are still human and dnt deserve how they are being treated. thrown into the hole with no mattress pad so they are sleeping on cold concert floors. than when they get sick they don't want to provide any health care. they withhold visitations and mail from family from them and that's not right to the family who is concerned about them, and have no way to know how they are. Seriously hope this is investigated more deeply as to not only my brothers well being but to the other inmates as well. Yes, they made mistakes and choice to be punished for these mistakes and I agree but to be inhumane and treat human beings like dirt under our feet just cuz they made bad or worthless choices in life isn't right nor is it fair......I wish and hope and pray this is investigated and the true justice is served!"

"That is right . They still need medical help. They need to go to the hospital and be seen. Where is that $3.00 a day going? Just because some of them made bad mistakes doesn't mean you do not help them. They are just like us out here. Some thing needs to be done. Some of them are in there for child support when they should be out here working to be able to pay it. God bless all."

"Well again last night my family member was taken the wrong meds, the medical staff was questioned and they insisted they were her meds. So therefore she would have gone without meds last night. Like I said I take her meds there every month so we know what they look like. I called immediately and spoke with a Cpl, Within an hour he took her the correct meds and signed off on them also, and he he did return my call and let me know he had taken care of. it I really appreciated it. But what happens to the inmates that don't have anyone on the outside to do this for them, do they just die from a medication error? Maybe it's time the medical board is contacted. I am not going to let this go, I wlll take it as far as I need to. She has filed at least six grievances in less than 30 days and nothing has been done."

"My son is in MRRJ and got a boil on his stomach from the unsanitary conditions. When he asked to see the nurse it took four days and a phone call from me complaining and telling them that I will harass them till he was seen. Then he was given a bandage and ibuprofen. Then he had an asthma attack and had to use someone else's inhaler bc they wouldn't let me bring his in even though he had a prescription for it."

"Just on 7/27/15 I called and spoke with a lady in the medical department about my family member that had received the wrong meds the night before and that morning, even described her the capsule, she said it sounded like an antibiotic, which is bad because she is allergic to sulfa,. She said she would look into it. It took until that Thursday, 7/30/15 for her to get the correct meds, which by that time she had withdrawal from her antidepressant and was in a bad state. The sad thing is I purchase her meds myself and take there, so they do not have to give her anything for FREE."

"I was at MRRJ for about 5 days and during those 5 days I was denied my heart medication and other meds that I need for congestive heart failure and copd.. I was in holding and told that the nurse was too busy making her rounds with the inmates to make it up to the holding cells for me to receive my meds. I wanted to file a complaint and was told there was nothing I could do since I was considered property of the state while I was in there and they basically could do what they want."

I will be glad to post any official response or rebuttal provided by MRRJ.

Here's a link to other posts on this topic: http://harvyoder.blogspot.com/search?q=mrrj

Why Do My Kids Act That Way?

source

When we keep asking “Why can’t you ever...? or “Why do you always…?” our children soon learn there’s no use trying to come up with an answer. These are loaded questions, meant to deliver accusations rather than gain information.

According to psychologist Rudolph Dreikurs the best way to understand the “Why” of children’s misbehaviors is not by interrogating them but by learning more about their underlying needs. All behaviors, are need-based, he says, and a misbehavior is simply a misguided and inappropriate way of trying to get a need met. 

Here are some examples:

1. “Mommy! Mommy! Now!” (child interrupts when you’re busy) 

Some bad behaviors may result from a child simply trying to get love, recognition, or attention. When children feel lonely or ignored, even negative interaction may feel better than no interaction at all. As parents, we typically feel annoyed or bothered when children operate from this need. Our challenge is to help them find creative and healthy ways of getting the love and attention they crave.

2. “No! I want to do it this way!” (child ignores your instructions) 

Bad behaviors also come from a child just wanting to have a say, to feel a sense of autonomy and power as a respected member of the family. Children with this need provoke feelings of threat, challenge or intimidation in us. It is important to avoid being drawn into power struggles, but offer opportunities for children to have age-appropriate responsibility and control.

3. “You’re mean! I hate you!” (child expresses anger inappropriately) 

When children feel these first two basic needs aren’t being met, they may resort to direct or indirect retaliation. Children with this need often cause feelings of hurt in us. It is important to avoid getting into a revenge cycle, but to try to understand the distress behind an angry child’s reactions, to provide for cooling off periods, to pay more attention to needs one and two above, and to work at resolving underlying problems in the relationship. Meanwhile we make it clear that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable.

4. No response (child retreats and will not talk) 

When all of the above inappropriate efforts appear to fail, children may react in indirect, non-verbal ways, or just avoid connecting with parents and others altogether, which tends to evoke feelings of helplessness in us and others. Effective parents avoid showing pity or being manipulated by this kind of response, but provide support, understanding and encouragement, along with offering healthy ways of repairing and restoring relationships.

Sometimes, when not in the heat of a conflict, it may help to ask a child, “When you were doing or saying…  (describe unacceptable words or behavior), could it be that you were feeling… (left out, disrespected, angry, discouraged, etc.)? How could we help you feel and behave better?”

It sure beats asking “Why?” questions.

A Holocaust Of Horror

Hiroshima bombing aftermath

"I have set before you life and death, therefore choose life, that you and your children may live."

- Deuteronomy 30:19

Yesterday marked the 70th anniversary of the use of the first atomic weapon, dropped on the Japanese city of Hiroshima in 1945.

This deadly bomb resulted in the immediate killing of some 70,000 men, women and children, to be followed by an equal number experiencing terrible deaths from burns and radiation poisoning in the days immediately following. The estimated deaths from later victims of cancer raised the total losses to some 300,000.

Nagasaki suffered similar casualties in its bombing three days later.

When aerial bombing of civilian targets with conventional weapons were first carried out during the Spanish Civil War less than a decade earlier, the world was horrified. But with multiple saturation bombings of cities during the Second World War, we became numb to news of massive civilian holocausts of this kind.

In that sense, Hitler won. We became like the worst of him, condoning the use of whatever inhumane means necessary to achieve military ends.

Since the end of the Cold War and the implementation of the START treaty, we have largely forgotten the threat that still hangs over us, especially if nuclear weapons were to ever get into the hands of groups or nations bent on our destruction. We have also forgotten that the world still has stockpiles of weapons that could destroy our planet and all life on it several times over.

May God help us remember, and to beat our terrible swords into plowshares before it is too late.

Here's a link to the August 31, 1946 New Yorker article that detailed the horror of Hiroshima.

My Good Friend Will

I am blessed to be a friend of Will Ross, a graduate of Gemeinschaft Home who continues to live there as a trusted role model for the residents and as the Home's all around maintenance person. Will also hires residents whenever he can to help him with construction and remodeling work he does in the community as time allows, and generously helps graduates of the program with housing and other needs. 

Among other projects, Will has put a new roof on our house, done other painting and repair work for us, and has been a great help in my keeping an adequate supply of firewood for the winter. He is a truly gracious and good man.

The following is from Gemeinschaft's April 2015, thirty-year anniversary publication, reprinted with permission.

A Bright Light & Beacon of Hope for Residents

04/13/2015

by Janette Hebert and Jennifer Jacovitch (jennifer@jacovitch.com)

Former resident, William Ross

He has been described as a bright light by staff members. His smile is contagious.  His free-spirited energy is evident when he enters the room. Yet, to observe him sitting in one spot for any length of time is a rare moment in the case of William Ross who works with the staff and residents of Gemeinschaft Home.

A former resident of the program, Ross is originally from the Chesapeake area of Virginia, and he came to Gemeinschaft Home in 2012.

Before joining the program at Gemeinschaft Home, Ross claims to have hit rock bottom, and he credits God for saving him from near death and leading him to Gemeinschaft Home, saying, “The only reason I’m here is because of God; without him I would not be here”.

After Ross completed the program, he felt as though God wanted him to stay at Gemeinschaft Home, a place that had changed his outlook on life, to help others--residents and staff, as well as people in the local community. His hope for others is to get to a place “where instead of hate you love; instead of lying you tell the truth; instead of seeing just the bad in people; you see the good.” Gemeinschaft Home has been the vehicle for Ross to help others in a way that he says “is meant to be.”

A typical day for Ross often involves a variety of activities, owing to the multiple roles he plays in the day-to-day operations of the organization, both as the resident advisor and facilities/maintenance manager. He is a “problem solver on demand,” as one staff member describes him.  Whether he is urging, and often transporting, residents to participate in community-based support opportunities or attending to business matters on behalf of Gemeinschaft Home, Ross is an indespensible part of the team-based approach evident among the residents and staff of Gemeinschaft Home.

As a resident advisor, Ross has an open door policy and says that he is often needed as early as 6:30 in the morning or as late as midnight. Because he is a former resident, and well-aware of the struggles they face, Ross explains that many residents confide in him about personal issues as well as those within the house.

Due to the influx of needed advising for residents, Ross created a room designated as a calming and tranquil space for counseling and spiritual guidance.

Ross argues that he was given a second chance in life through his experience at Gemeinschaft Home. “I was grateful to have this opportunity,” he says, “I could die tomorrow and I would be happy. I got a chance to feel what I was supposed to. I always want people to know it is not about me; it is about everyone else.”

Ross’ philosophy is best told in his own words: “My life is real, my life is meaningful, my life is joy. This joy never goes away, even when I run into problems or something isn’t going right; I still make it through.” 

If Christ Were Head Of The Church, Which Schisms Would He Support?

Pascal-Adolphe-Jean Dagnan-Bouvert (1852-1929), The Last Supper

We Christians are a contentious lot. Over the centuries we have divided and re-divided into countless different communions, separated from each other by diverse customs, creeds and ethnic origins--all because we feel compelled to defend what we believe to be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 

Not being able to work things out, of course, is never our fault. It just that other people are either too carnal and too contrary to do and believe the right thing.

Due to our responsibility to remain faithful, we've come to affirm that churches have every right to separate from those who are in error. Or at least ours does, as long as we follow Roberts Rules of Order or a similarly civil process in coming to our decision.

And all of our decisions, in contrast to those who differ from us, are legitimate and justified. Our one and only desire, after all, is to be faithful to Scripture, the whole Scripture and nothing but the Scripture. And isn't the Bible, as we understand and interpret it, absolutely clear on everything faithfulness to Jesus requires? So why don't all of the folks we are separating from--or who are separating from us--see things the right way? It's baffling.

Of course we do regret having so many divisions. But as the Good Book says, "Good wood splits easily" (or something like that). And somewhere it is also written (or if it isn't, it should be), "Better to separate amicably than to have unresolved differences and disagreements."

End of satire.

On a more serious note, the Mennonite Church USA, already representing only about .00045% of the total number of the world's professing Christians, is about to experience a new round of church separations and divorces that will create even more and ever smaller sub-groups.

If Jesus were alive and were acting as Head of his beloved body and bride, the church, would he approve?

Ironically, we keep affirming every Sunday that he is in fact not only alive, but that he is our One and Only True Lord and Lover.

But has anyone bothered to ask him how he feels about all this?

**************************************************

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, 
forbearing one another in love;

Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

There is one body, and one Spirit, 
even as ye are called in one hope of your calling;

One Lord, one faith, one baptism,

One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, 
and in you all."

- Ephesians 4:2-6 (KJV)

Here's a link to other posts on church unity: http://harvyoder.blogspot.com/search?q=church+unity

Former Inmates Weigh In On MRRJ Article

Reporter Patricia Borns did an investigative piece on the Middle River Jail in Verona that was published in the Staunton News-Leader yesterday. She wrote this after receiving a copy of complaints in a July 5 letter to the Virginia Department of Corrections signed by 20 women incarcerated at the facility.

Middle River houses 150 offenders from  Harrisonburg and Rockingham County and one of the inmates transferred there had sent me a copy of the letter several weeks prior. After giving MRRJ an advance copy I posted it on my blog with the understanding that I would also post any official MRRJ response.

I print the following responses to the article in the News-Leader without names, although all signed their online posts.

[It should be noted that the treatment of inmates at Middle River Jail may not be significantly different than at many other facilities. Not every inmate may have the kinds of negative experiences as described below, and most members of the MRRJ staff are undoubtedly dedicated and good people.]

Here is a sample of the posts, slightly edited for brevity and clarity:

"I was housed at MRRJ once. I am a diabetic. First they lost my insulin altogether so I went over 15 hours without medication. I ended up being sent to the hospital. Before the trip to the hospital i was denied a bond. But after being hospitalized the jail found the seriousness of my growing illness they made a bond appear out of thin air. Once they woke me up to sign the paperwork for my bond they removed all Middle River property from me and left me naked in a hospital bed. Didn't even bother to tell any family to notify them of my condition."

"My friend DIED in that jail! She was supposed to be sent to Augusta Medical for psych help and died due to lack of appropriate medical treatment!"

"It's sad that they can't get the meds they need. Rockingham County jail is just as bad. It's so sad." 

"It took them a half hour for them to get a wheel chair for a girl that was having a panic attack... And then another girl had a stroke and took them 20 minutes. M.R.R.J is the worst jail possible and you only get fed twice a day on weekends. We should at least get snack bags because some of us don't get money for canteen and we are hungry sometimes."

"I was just incarcerated and myself was one of the ones who had signed that letter. And the living conditions at M.R.R.J are insane. I mean we get two rolls of toilet paper and certain amount of pads and we were locked down for a week and weren't allowed to take showers. The food is also horrible and you get fed the same thing sometimes twice a day. I mean they need to be looked at and matters at the jail need to change because that jail is very inhumane. I thought Rockingham County jail was bad. But M.R.R.J is ten times worse." 

"I was there from June 11-July 6 and I  asked them several times could I see a nurse to get checked for a UTI bccause of the KoolAid there. And just to get pads you have to put in a request form. Something needs to be done."

"I was doing a weekend and I lay in a cold holding cell floor the whole weekend with pneumonia. I coughed so much in that cell I cracked my ribs. I asked to see medical 10 times and never got to. This was ten years ago."

"I would like to state that I can positively verify these complaints being made by these women!!! I recently spent several days at MRRJ, & the girls were not only trying to get sanitary products when they were having their periods, but then were also being denied toilet paper when they asked for it, and THEY NEEDED THAT TO SOAK UP THE BLOOD OF THEIR MENSTRUAL CYCLE BECAUSE THEY WERE BEING DENIED THE BASIC PRODUCTS REQUIRED FOR SUCH THINGS?!! I wish McCauley could hear how RIDICULOUS THAT STATEMENT about the reality of things being different than what was written in the letter sounds?!!! That makes me so ANGRY BECAUSE , once again, its just being shrugged off like it doesn't matter?!!! And the statement about the pads being used for other things like padding pillows is also pretty absurd?!!! I guess if someone in a wheelchair gets arrested, they tell em to stand up and walk, coz you know? Theyre probably just pretending to be paralyzed or something right?!!! Give me a BREAK?!!! I want to state for the record that the complaints made by those girls are 100% TRUE & ACCURATE AS TO THE REALITY OF HOW CONDITIONS ARE AT MRRJ?!!! Its COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE?!!"

"I was housed at MRRJ, and yes it sounds about right. Women inmates receive very little compared to the male inmates. And I have seen situations, and they ignore you, you never get anywhere.... The staff treats inmates like they are worse than dirt. Most staff are really unprofessional and rude. I'm a person who believe in punishment such as incarceration if deserved but that jail is the worse I ever heard."

Here is a link to the text of the letter by the 20 female inmates as posted on my blog, along with several additional comments by former inmates: http://harvyoder.blogspot.com/2015/07/women-at-mrrj-voice-some-grievances.html