Seven Habits of Effective Conflict-Managing Congregations

Williamsburg Retreat Center

I was blessed with the opportunity to lead a congregational retreat with members of Richmond's First Mennonite Church this past weekend on the theme of "Unity and Spirituality." Together we reflected on  some of the following good "habits" of congregations that are able to embrace conflict as normal and as actually offering potential for growth:

1. They Celebrate a Healthy Sense of Personal and Congregational Empowerment (I Corinthians 1:1-9, 18-31, 2:1-16)
Each member is encouraged to grow in personal power and gifting. 
How do we effectively experience and use "power" in our church?

2. They Recognize Differences as Normal, but Rule Out Divisiveness as Unacceptable (I Corinthians 1:10-17, 3:1-20)
Unity in diversity is seen as both possible and desirable.   
What makes church families such fertile settings for divisions and conflicts?

3. They Celebrate a Sense of Spiritual and Emotional Abundance Rather Than Scarcity (I Corinthians 3:21-4:1-21)
Members receive plenty of recognition, validation and respect (feel valued), and feel able to influence outcomes (feel they have a say). Thus there is less need for getting back or for retaliating in anger and frustration--or for withdrawing, giving up or retreating in hurt and helplessness.
What happens when people feel their basic needs for love and influence aren’t being met?

4. They Are Capable of Repairing Relationships With Troubled Members (I Corinthians 5-6)
Problems are seen as normal and as opportunities for the congregation to responsibly and redemptively engage each other when they occur.
How can we learn to more effectively address our problems rather than either attacking (or simply avoiding) each other?

5. They Balance Concerns for Individual Freedom With Support for the Community’s Basic Values and Beliefs (I Corinthians 7-12)
Those with a more robust conscience on disputable matters show respect and regard for those with more sensitive consciences.
What are some of the debatable matters facing our congregation?
   
6. They Demonstrate A High Level of Respect, Patience and Care for Each Other Other (I Corinthians 13)
Believers demonstrate a commitment to carrying out God’s will, but always in God’s way, in the spirit of Christ-like, agape love. They keep their respect for others high, their expectations moderate, and their anxiety low.
How can we foster growth toward this level of maturity?

7. They Practice Orderliness and Respectful Listening in Their Church Gatherings (I Corinthians 14?)
They don’t come to church meetings with closed minds, but with the commitment to carefully listen and learn from others, encouraging the free expression of everyone’s gifts and insights. After listening well, they discuss and discern the Spirit’s leading in reaching needed consensus, persevering at this for as long as it takes.
Is following “Robert’s Rules of Order” always the best way to do church business?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Check this link for more posts on church unity, including the September 12, 2012, piece on 1) why "conservatives" and "liberals" need each other, 2) how congregations can benefit by hearing from both, and 3) how each of us is decidedly "liberal" on some issues and definitely "conservative" on others.
 

"It will not always be as it is now"

7/18/13 aerial view of Zaatari Syrian refugee camp in Jordan (REUTERS/Mandel Ngan)

In his meditation in the July-August, 2013, issue of "Beside the Still Waters", James Baer tells about a Russian family he visited that had the words "It will not always be as it is now" written in large print on a placard on their dining room wall.

It turns out that many years before the father had spent years in a Soviet prison for refusing to enlist in the army because of what he believed Jesus taught about violence. It was then that the mother had written these words and posted them as a sign of hope for herself and for her children, trusting that one day their father would return and things would be better.

When the father was finally released and life greatly improved, some friends asked why she had not removed those words. Her reply was simply, "Because it's still true that 'It will not always be as it is now'."

Just as people in distress need hope, those of us who are doing well need to learn from history that all nations, economies and cultures rise and fall. We could all face hardships in our lifetimes like those of people in Syria today and in many other trouble spots in the world, past and present.

Or as with the following:

• A major collapse of the worldwide economic system
• Destruction of computer systems on which we have all become extremely dependent
• Major droughts and other weather events associated with climate change that could result in severe shortages of water and food
• Massive assaults by terrorists or by nations with atomic and other weapons

Meanwhile, we need to have a heart that suffers with those already experiencing devastation and do everything possible to help them, just as we would have others do to us if we were in similar straits.

"Wise and Foolish": A Chapel Talk at EMS

As a former part-time teacher at Eastern Mennonite High School from 1964-1987, I had the opportunity to speak to middle and high school students at an EMS chapel service today on the subject of "Living Wisely". I introduced it with a condensed version of something I posted on an earlier blog about an auto wreck I had, then proceeded with the following:

I've come up with my own simple definitions for "wise" and "foolish". Wise is what you do that we’ll feel the least possible regret about--and for which we’ll experience the greatest possible satisfaction. And foolish is what we’ll feel the greatest possible remorse over, where we’re most likely to say afterwards, “What was I thinking?”

I wrote a piece some time ago about all of the education I got in the school of experience outside the classrooms I’ve attended. And one of the things I’ve learned from experience is that I don’t want to learn everything by experience, the hard way.

Believe me, I’ve made plenty of dumb mistakes that God has used to teach me things I was too foolish to learn the easier, wiser way. Those mistakes didn’t entirely go to waste, of course, since all mistakes are to learn from, but I’ve tried to live by the simple truth that “An ounce of prevention is worth pound of cure--and is so much better than ending up with a ton of regret.” So a head and a heart full of good wisdom can be our best friend, as in the stuff you learn from the experiences of other good people, along with the good rules for good living taught by Jesus and the prophets, and handed down from Mount Sinai as the Ten Commandments, like Ten Wise Words, many years ago. Like, "Don't go after fake gods." “Listen to your mom and dad.” “Don’t steal.” “Don’t lie.” “Don’t commit adultery.” These aren’t just good suggestion, but wise counsel handed down from the greatest source of wisdom ever, our Creator.

When I was teaching here at EMHS, one of the questions I was often asked by students was “Is this going to be on the test?” or “What’s going to be on the final exam?” That used to bother me a little, because I wanted my students to learn everything I taught, but they were being smart. They knew that tests were something you want to be well prepared for ahead of time for. Learning only by experience means we’re taking a lot of tests we’re not prepared for, that we haven’t thought through. So we're left to learn too many things after the teacher hands the exam back to us marked with a lot of red ink, reminding us all the of things we should have learned before we took it.

In a Dear Abby column about a year ago, a 29-year-old who signed herself “DEPRIVED OF MY YOUTH” laments the loss of the boy friend with whom she had lived since she was 16 years old, but they had never married. And then for some reason he abruptly broke off the relationship, leaving her with their child and the memories of 13 years of loving and living together.

She writes,

“It has been over nine months and it seems like my heartache is getting worse. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stepped on. It hurts even more because he started dating someone else immediately after the breakup.... I cry every day.”

I not only felt incredibly sad for this young woman, but lamented the fact that so little is being said these days to discourage young people like her from becoming prematurely, emotionally "married” and then premaritally and emotionally "divorced."

One more example of how applying good wisdom can make such a big, big difference.

I know many parents and even some preachers have pretty much given up on young people these days staying celibate into their 20’s and 30’s. There’s nothing we can do to keep them from going to bed with each other, they say, and ultimately it's their decision as to whether they will wait until they’re married. And that's true. But the price people often pay for their hookups and breakups, and sometimes with premature pregnancies--in what I call premarital “marriage”--can be huge.

On this same topic, I posted a blog one December called “Why Wait Until Christmas?” in which I noted a rule we pretty much all agree on about waiting until December 25 to open our Christmas gifts. It’s a tradition that isn’t just about drawing an arbitrary red line somewhere, but our wisdom tells us that it’s just a lot more pleasurable to prepare well for Christmas and then enjoy it fully.

I believe that’s even more true when it comes to God’s gift of physical intimacy, in spite of the fact that in our culture many are as likely to “go all the way” on their first date as on their wedding date. They may not realize that by unwrapping their priceless “presents” prematurely they are are in fact already experiencing an unforgettable form of “wed-ing.” What they risk in not having the once customary wedding celebration come first with all the blessings and well-wishes of their friends and family, and all of the once-in-a-lifetime first-time ecstasy they've always dreamed of.

I know a lot of people believe that if they just put off having a legal, documented marriage and just go ahead and live together without it, that they can avoid all the pain of a later separation. But the fact is that they risk going through the very same kinds of gut-wrenching "emotional divorces" (or worse) as their married counterparts do if and when they break up.

I know contraceptives can keep us from getting pregnant, but no one has yet invented something to keep us from experiencing a powerful kind of bonding when we are with another, literally inside another, in this most intimate and passionate way imaginable. We conceive something new, give birth to an emotional union we can’t just walk away from without experiencing some kind of tearing. And often a lot of tear-ing. Over and over again I have people coming to my counseling office people who would give almost anything to be able to hit some kind of reboot or rewind button and be able to go back and make some different decisions they can now never undo.

Is there forgiveness for our indiscretions and foolish mistakes? Of course, as with any other kind of regrettable choices. But God, like a good parent, wants us to have the best life and the best “Christmases” possible. That’s why we’re given such simple rules as “Wait until you’re wed--then celebrate for a lifetime.”

Sure, some people may call us prudes, but you know what? That word comes from the word prudent, which means careful and smart, wise instead of foolish. There’s just no down side to going with wise.

And there are so many other wise rules for good living your parents and teachers and the good people in your congregations are trying to teach you. It just pays to think carefully and prayerfully about the best possible ways to “happily ever after,” about what’s really in our own best interests.

For example, Jesus also had a lot to say about the wisdom of investing our money in ways that will do lasting good--to enrich and bless the lives of people in need--rather than in short-sighted investments in more stuff that will eventually end up in the landfill. So when he tells the story of a man who  tore down his barns and built new ones to store up enough for a luxurious  retirement, he didn’t call the man greedy, or selfish. He called him foolish. He was making unwise financial choices. We still call him “the rich fool.”

And at the end of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, containing some of the greatest wisdom you can find anywhere--on money management, relationships, dealing with our enemies, and other important things--the Master Teacher concludes by saying, “Whoever hears these sayings of mine and lives by them will be like a wise builder who builds on a solid rock foundation. When hard, hurricane winds come along, that house will stand and everyone will be safe. Whoever ignores this wisdom from God will be like a foolish builder who builds on sand, and that same storm will demolish the house and everything comes to ruin. A tragedy. What was I thinking?

I close with some words from Proverbs 3:

Blessed are those who become wise—who come to have understanding...16 Wisdom offers you long life, as well as abundance and honor. 17 Wisdom can make your life pleasant and lead you safely through it...(so) hold on to your wisdom and insight.... They will provide you with life—a pleasant and happy life. 23 You can go safely on your way and never stumble. 24 You will not be afraid when you go to bed, and you will sleep soundly through the night. 25 You will not have to worry about sudden disasters... The Lord will keep you safe.

Capital Wealth and Consumer Wealth

Dave Ramsey's Tennessee home, appraised at $4,909,200

I've sometimes been accused of being too hard on the rich, even though I usually include myself and most other middle class Americans in this overly well-to-do category.

As a case in point, in my December, 2012, article in the MENNONITE on "Christmas Economics", I devoted a paragraph or two questioning whether Christian financial guru Dave Ramsey practiced a justice-based stewardship in investing in his latest home in a gated community near Nashville.

The rest of the article was about an understanding of Biblical stewardship that not only encourages generous giving (which Ramsey certainly does), but with periodically and systematically redistributing and reinvesting wealth in ways that give a hand up to the underclass (which he doesn't). I noted that the Pentateuch commands the latter as well as the former, and that the church of Pentecost and of the apostle Paul clearly promote such "Christmas-like" giving. 

While I'm neither an economist nor a theologian, I do believe that when we discuss whether Christians should be wealthy that we need to clarify what kind of wealth we're talking about, capital wealth or consumer wealth.

It's often assumed the two are inseparable. "Let's not be too hard on the rich for having bigger homes or better cars," I hear people say, "because they are, after all, the job creators who make the economy work for the rest of us." Or, "We're highly dependent on the wealthy to support our church institutions, mission and relief programs and other charitable causes." In other words, it would be wrong to criticize such folks for living more lavishly than the rest of us.

But what if we clearly differentiated between people's capital wealth (their means of production) and their consumer wealth (their level of consumption)?

It would clearly be possible for an individual or a group to own and manage huge enterprises that generate large amounts of goods or services (at a fair and reasonable profit), but to still see themselves as simply managers of that wealth, wouldn't it? The whole concept of Christian stewardship, after all, is based on the concept that God really "owns" everything we may happen to hold title to and use on God's behalf.

So should stewards of large amounts of capital investment assume the right to siphon off a larger than needed portion of that wealth for their personal consumption? I don't think so. If we were really serious about God being the sole owner and we being only the caretakers, we might even consider that a form of embezzlement.

Having said that, I wish I could come up with more examples of Christians who were CEO's of successful companies, for example, but who made lifestyle choices like using public transportation when possible, living in modest homes, and vacationing pretty much like most of their workers. Or of well paid heads of Christian-based institution who chose  to live in places like Harrisonburg's Northeast community instead of in a wealthier part of town.

I was impressed, however, when someone giving a stewardship sermon at a local church recently made the statement, "We've chosen to live in a simple house on Stuart Street that is small and doesn't even have a basement, but it's comfortable and meets the needs of the two of us very well." While there is obviously no one right size for a suitable house, and certainly nothing wrong with having a basement, I thought that statement might have been the most powerful one in the entire message.

I also think of a retired couple in our church that gives generously, drives a modest used car and lives in a small duplex, in spite of their being blessed with some considerable family assets--and do all this joyfully and generously.

We need more good models of people who avoid feeling entitled to more and more consumer wealth, or to laying up more perishable stuff for themselves, while at the same time managing significant capital wealth in growing good food, manufacturing useful products and providing needed services--all at a level of profit they celebrate and share as a gift.

What do you think?

"You have heard it said, 'A WMD for a WMD,' but I say..."

New York Daily News photo

"Who came up with the logic that cruise missiles are more 'moral' than sarin gas, and that the perpetrators of one deserve regime change and the others medals of honor?"

-David Kreider, facebook

What's happening in Syria is horrifying beyond belief. An untold number of innocent men, women and children have been brutally killed by bombs, bullets and more recently by poisonous gas. The world is desperate to see something done.

But is punishing the Assad regime for its use of WMD's (in the form of canisters of sarin gas) by retaliating with the use of our own weapons of massive destruction (in the form bomb-laden missiles) really a viable and moral solution? In either case, the death and destruction are unimaginably hellish and horrific.

Can't we come up with a better response?

What if whole nations, along with religious groups and health and relief agencies around the world, were to rise up say, "Stop this barbaric bloodshed. Now. And wherever and whenever you implement a cease fire, we will respond with massive and immediate aid to rebuild your cities, provide aid for your wounded, and bring back refugees to their homeland. We will provide gainful employment for your people as you assist in this massive rebuilding effort. And we will support an all-out diplomatic effort to find a way to provide for the security and stability necessary to transition to a fairly elected government in which all Syrians can be a part."

In short, instead of bringing more destroyers and aircraft carriers to the Mediterranean, we could send cargo ships laden with food and building supplies to the region. On one condition. That all sides lay down their arms and stop their senseless slaughter now.

I can already hear people reacting to anything like the above as pitifully naive. But any attempt to throw more mortar at this problem is doomed to fail, and will make an already desperate crisis even worse. So if all else fails, which it already has, why not apply some of Jesus' wisdom about being Good Samaritans to our enemies rather than inflicting ever more punishment on them?

My friend Daryl Byler, newly appointed director of EMU's Center for Justice and Peacebuilding and recently returned from six years in Jordan as regional director for Mennonite Central Committee, told me this morning that he had an op-ed piece published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch today on this subject today. It's well worth reading.

And here's a link to an interesting blog piece on "What Would Elisha Do? #MennoNerds on Syria"

Four Generations in 105--A Sacred Circle of Life

Baby Tirza with new mother Susan, great-aunt Missy and great-grandmother Esther

In a house which becomes a home,

one hands down and another takes up
the heritage of mind and heart,
laughter and tears, musings and deeds.
Love, like a carefully loaded ship,
crosses the gulf between the generations.
Therefore, we do not neglect the ceremonies
of our passage: when we wed, when we die,
and when we are blessed with a child;
When we depart and when we return;
When we plant and when we harvest.

- from "Generation to Generation", by Antoine de Saint

Yesterday Alma Jean and I went to see my next-to-oldest sister Esther, 85-year-old spouse of the late Robert Yoder, at the Lynchburg Baptist Hospital. Our dear Esther suffered a major stroke Thursday night, spent some time in the ICU at Lynchburg General Hospital, and was then moved to Lynchburg Baptist where she is receiving hospice care.

We were told that the entire right hemisphere of her brain has been irreparably damaged, yet Esther occasionally emerged from her semi-comatose state and was surprisingly lucid. She was able to recognize us and even asked where our oldest son was living and how he was doing.

A devoted mother of eight, gentle queen Esther was a beloved grandmother to thirty, and while at LBH  became a great-grandmother for the 19th time when late Friday night, August 31, 7 lb. 8 oz. Tirza Richelle, first child of Susan and Karlin Schrock was born at that same hospital. Tirza is a Hebrew name meaning "delight". In the Bible, Tirzah was one of the five daughters of Zelophehad who asked for and received an inheritance from her father, something unprecedented in that time. 

When Susan was discharged yesterday morning, the proud parents brought their newborn to the arms of her great-grandma for what was both a welcoming greeting and a solemn goodbye before leaving for home, and for somehow completing the precious circle of life. It was if Tirza was receiving the full blessing of her family's inheritance, with four generations bonding as one, mingling emotions and memories in Room 105.

It was a truly a God moment, a holy time for joy, tears and for realizing how precious life is--and how fleeting.

photo by Karlin Schrock

Guestpost: Standing up at a Beatdown II Event

Kirk Vredevelt protests extreme mixed martial arts event

My wife's niece's husband, Kirk Vredevelt, a social studies teacher at Forest Hills Northern High School in Grand Rapids, Michigan, posted the following to members of the family's Google group. I use it here with his permission:

I protested the first Iraq war in Grand Rapids in front of the Federal Building with a few hundred others. Since then our city has named a park for Michigan resident Rosa Parks. We sat on the bus where she refused to move, which is in Detroit's Henry Ford Museum. If Rosa could start a revolution with one simple conscientious act, I felt I should be willing to go it alone too.

Last Saturday while paying for gas at the local mini mart I came across a Beatdown II fighting man advertisement https://www.facebook.com/events/392006487562934/.

I first saw this on pay per view in 1994 while visiting my cousin in LA. I was horrified as two "unbeaten" fighters fought and kicked it out. For 30 minutes the one laid on top of the other trying to avoid being strangled while he was kicking the man on top with his heel to injure his kidney. My cousin said this was illegal in most states, including Michigan. I saw this as the beginning of the end of our civilization. So when I saw it was happening in my own back yard I felt I had to take a stand.

I had only a week to solicit any like minded men. I called three churches and three men I knew. In the end I was the lone ranger. There was no outrage. No one wants to tell anyone else that what they are doing for fun is morally repugnant. We Christians are a weak kneed group. 

The event started at 6 pm. When I got there at 5:20, there were already 40 cars in the parking lot which was visibly far down the drive from where I stood at one of the entrances. I had about 50 cars go by me, fancy Cadillacs, big red trucks and some vans with families. A couple of the advertised fighters were Hispanic so this was a big draw for this community. People driving home from shopping also slowed down to see the lone protester.

I held my sign with dignity and did not try to provoke anyone, simply tried to appeal to moral rightness.

My sign's said "Fighting is not a sport" and "Do not degrade yourself". I wore my optic yellow shirt for visibility and clothes without any markings.

One Oldsmobile Bravada with two blondes in their 20's went by two or three times yelling "sissy" and giving me the finger.

One car came around for a second look and took my photo with their smart phone.

Most slowed down and read my sign.

The Hispanics were the most polite as I suspected they were trying to lay low.

I got four clinched fists, four birds and one thumbs up.

One guy slowed down and said, "We didn't become a free country by just talking."

photo and text by Kirk Vredevelt