A Time For Peace Talks

Resolving differences is simple, though never easy.

In the middle of a conflict we often find ourselves engaging in verbal combat instead of helpful conversation. Ever notice how many of our old speech habits just keep making our relationships worse?

Here is an outline for “peace talks” that puts us in an information exchange mode instead of an attack mode. While anything new can seem a little awkward at first, try the steps below with your friend, family member or spouse and see if you don’t notice a big improvement in your relationship. If followed, they will not only keep your conflicts from getting out of hand, they may allow you to really hear each other for the first time.

A. Agree on a time and place, then decide who will go first. If it’s the other person, and you‘re the listener, do the following:

1. Put your own responses on hold until the other person is completely finished.

2. Listen attentively. Remember that listening doesn’t mean you’re either agreeing or disagreeing, you’re just listening respectfully. 

3. Occasionally summarize briefly what you’ve heard, without any commentary or critique, beginning with a perception check like, “It sounds like you feel...” or “So you’re saying...”  followed by “Did I hear you right?”

4. If the answer is “Yes,” ask “Is there anything else?”

5. When the other person responds with something like “No, that’s all for now,” you are ready to switch roles.

(Remember the magic words, “It sounds like... Did I hear you right?... Is there anything else?”)

B. When it’s your turn to be the speaker (with the other person now the listener), use some form of “I-Message” to respond to what you’ve just heard (or to introduce a new concern), as follows:

1. Describe as accurately as possible the behavior or statement that bothers you,  such as, “When you  said I was being unreasonable...”

2. Continue by describing the emotion or feeling you had or are having, and explain why, as in, “...I felt really hurt, because it felt like I was being put down and judged.”

3. Then state or restate your wish or wishes, such as “What I would like is to have us be able to talk without putting each other down.”

(Remember the key words, “When you... I feel/felt... because... I would like...”)

All of this may seem strange at first, but it helps us replace hurtful accusation with good, accurate information, about what we perceive, what we feel, and what we want or need.  Then we can begin addressing issues and attacking problems rather than attacking the other person. 

Sometimes just getting things on the table and having them heard is half the answer. But if we still aren’t able to work things out, agree on a time out, or invite a friend, mediator or counselor for help. Good relationships are worth all the help they can get.