First A Hug For Telling The Truth

To a child, admitting wrongdoing may feel a lot riskier
than we realize.

“I didn’t do it!” wails Junior, denying having messed up your new flower bed in spite of telltale footprints all over the crime scene.

It’s bad enough when children misbehave, we say, but why do they have to lie about it? Why don’t they just ‘fess up when we confront them with something?

One simple reason. They’re scared. And the more afraid they are, the more likely they are to resort to lying to escape our wrath, or to avoid getting hurt (or having their feelings hurt) or to avoid losing our love and approval.

To a vulnerable and dependent child, admitting wrongdoing to a powerful, giant parent may feel a lot riskier than we think. Of course, not admitting is risky, too, but if they’re used to having someone “jump down their throat” the minute they own up to something, lying may seem like a worthwhile gamble.

But what if we parents tried a different approach? Like this: 

1) Assure our children that we’ll always first give them a big hug just for telling us the truth; 2) Then show them we’ll always just attack the problem (their misbehavior) not denigrate them as a person. In so doing, our children will learn that nothing they admit to us will make it worse for their having done so.

This doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t apply reasonable and consistent consequences when children engage in bad behavior. But good consequences, respectfully administered, are not intended to hurt as much as simply to teach--teach children to avoid the kind of choices that are sure to cause problems for them in the future.

Of course, learning from even reasonable consequences (like making restitution, for example) can be painful, but in working at correcting problems, inflicting pain is not the primary goal. Our children don’t need to feel we’ve become their adversary when we’re focusing on their misbehavior. In fact, once they acknowledge the problem, we can become their number one ally in helping them deal with it.

With this approach, the message we’re giving the misbehaving child is very simple, and is always the same: "We love you, we believe in you, and we’re always ready to forgive you and help you become a more responsible and respectful person."

When a child begins to experience this kind of “tough grace” whenever they’re truthful, their lying is almost sure to diminish.