Our seven year old grandson, who certainly doesn’t lack opportunities for good fun, came home from his next door neighbors recently very excited about a new game he and his friends had come up with, “roofball.” One player throws a tennis ball on to the roof of their garage while the next one catches it as it comes down, then throws it on the roof again for the next one to catch, and so on.
Every game has to have rules, of course, and this one is no exception. Fail to get the ball on to the roof, or unintentionally throw it over the roof to the other side, or fail to catch the ball after the first bounce, and you lose a turn. I asked him how you win in this game, and he responded with, “It doesn’t really matter who wins, its just fun to play,” as he proceeded to show me how it's done on his own garage roof (with a larger ball, since his tennis ball got caught in the rain gutter on his first try).
I can’t help but see multiple advantages to roofball over some of the more organized sports he also takes part in, as in his local soccer league, where some adult coach tells the team exactly how the game is to be played, drills each one in becoming the most able player possible, sees to it that someone keeps score, and where winning can become as important as the enjoyment and good exercise of the game itself.
So let me raise three cheers for “roofball,” a game where everyone wins, you learn to take turns and play by the rules, and where every player has lots of fun.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Would Jesus Spank?
Since Jesus had no biological children, we seldom think of him as a model for parenting. But he did effectively mentor twelve young followers with the kind of assertive toughness and tenderness we could all learn from, and shows a great deal of concern for the wellbeing of the young, as follows:
1) Jesus gives high priority to children and condemns in the strongest possible terms anyone causing harm to an innocent child.
2) Jesus affirms the teachableness, defenselessness and dependency of children as models adults need to emulate.
3) Jesus teaches by example, explains things by using simple illustrations, meets his followers' needs, shows them honor and respect, prays for them, answers their questions, engages them in ongoing conversations and is assertive in confronting them as needed.
4) Jesus corrects by word and by reproof, not with any form of physical force. He nowhere advocates the use of a rod or any form of physical beating for anyone of any age.
5) Jesus’s teaching about dealing with someone who commits a wrong (Matthew 18:15-17) can serve as a model for correcting behavior at all ages:
a) Appeal to the offending person respectfully and in private.
b) Address the issue (the fault) rather than attack or put down the person.
c) Appeal for change rather than simply administer punishment.
d) Take another with you if necessary to appeal for a change of heart and behavior.
e) As the ultimate sanction, remove the offender from fellowship with the rest of the family or faith community (a form of time out!) until the misbehavior is acknowledged and corrected.
So how do you think Jesus would parent?
1) Jesus gives high priority to children and condemns in the strongest possible terms anyone causing harm to an innocent child.
2) Jesus affirms the teachableness, defenselessness and dependency of children as models adults need to emulate.
3) Jesus teaches by example, explains things by using simple illustrations, meets his followers' needs, shows them honor and respect, prays for them, answers their questions, engages them in ongoing conversations and is assertive in confronting them as needed.
4) Jesus corrects by word and by reproof, not with any form of physical force. He nowhere advocates the use of a rod or any form of physical beating for anyone of any age.
5) Jesus’s teaching about dealing with someone who commits a wrong (Matthew 18:15-17) can serve as a model for correcting behavior at all ages:
a) Appeal to the offending person respectfully and in private.
b) Address the issue (the fault) rather than attack or put down the person.
c) Appeal for change rather than simply administer punishment.
d) Take another with you if necessary to appeal for a change of heart and behavior.
e) As the ultimate sanction, remove the offender from fellowship with the rest of the family or faith community (a form of time out!) until the misbehavior is acknowledged and corrected.
So how do you think Jesus would parent?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Can't We Just Let Children Have Fun?
Tom Farrey, ESPN correspondent and author of “Game On: The All-American Race to Make Champions of Our Children,” spoke at Bridgewater College last fall on some of the consequences of increased emphasis on competitiveness in children’s sports.
He is concerned about parents becoming too pushy about winning games, and about children becoming too stressed and anxious as a result. He believes today's focus on performance and on playing sports other than just for fun and enjoyment has led to more youth being left out, which in turn results in more obesity and inactivity on their part. And because of all the costs associated with organized sports for children--involving lots of money for uniforms and endless trips to practices and games--children from low-income or single-parent homes are especially likely to be excluded.
Some of the emphasis on early competitive sports, he believes, is the insanely high salaries paid to major league players, and the false hope on the part of some parents that their child will grow up to be a star athlete. But of the more than 7,600 children that have played in the Little League World Series, he says, only 34 have ever made it to the major leagues. Early success in a sport rarely leads to a successful career in that sport, he notes.
Meanwhile, what are our children missing by not having the opportunitues to organize more of their own games and enjoying more of their own creative fun, rather than being pushed into sports activities that are geared more to the aspirations of parents than those of their offspring?
He is concerned about parents becoming too pushy about winning games, and about children becoming too stressed and anxious as a result. He believes today's focus on performance and on playing sports other than just for fun and enjoyment has led to more youth being left out, which in turn results in more obesity and inactivity on their part. And because of all the costs associated with organized sports for children--involving lots of money for uniforms and endless trips to practices and games--children from low-income or single-parent homes are especially likely to be excluded.
Some of the emphasis on early competitive sports, he believes, is the insanely high salaries paid to major league players, and the false hope on the part of some parents that their child will grow up to be a star athlete. But of the more than 7,600 children that have played in the Little League World Series, he says, only 34 have ever made it to the major leagues. Early success in a sport rarely leads to a successful career in that sport, he notes.
Meanwhile, what are our children missing by not having the opportunitues to organize more of their own games and enjoying more of their own creative fun, rather than being pushed into sports activities that are geared more to the aspirations of parents than those of their offspring?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Blessed (and Stressed) by Autism
In recent years a nephew and a niece have each had a child with some form of autism, and close friends of ours have had a grandchild diagnosed with the disorder. In the latter case, his mother started a blog called “rainmom” on which she posted everyday episodes of her son’s problem behaviors and his difficulties with impulse control.
None of these three children have full-blown autism, as in the inability to speak or to show any kind of affection, and “rainmom’s” son exhibited some unusual abilities early on. For example, by age four he could name each of the American presidents and their wives.
His father recently wrote the following on his own blog: “When we first considered the possibility that our son might be autistic it mostly seemed like good news. We already knew that his speech was delayed, and that he seemed largely oblivious to other humans much of the time. We already knew he was beautiful and charming and that we loved him. So, at first the diagnosis ... seemed to promise answers to the questions that were bothering us, like Why? and What should we do? However, as we read more and more about autism, a dreadful prospect emerged, that his socially awkward behavior may never change...”
He offered the following suggestions for how others can be supportive:
Offer to help.
Be patient if you are told that the help you are offering is not wanted, and keep trying.
Read up on autism.
Interact with my child. But do not expect (and certainly don't demand) that he will interact with you.
Tell me that you have noticed actual, observable progress my child has made (But don’t make stuff up).
Tell me that you like my child.
Tell me about resources for the parents of autistic children you’ve heard about. But don't go on and on about them and don't get offended if I don't avail myself of them.
Offers of babysitting and suggestions of resources are always welcome.
Then he added some don'ts:
Don’t tell me that my child seems "normal" to you.
Don’t go on and on and on about every new diet, therapy, potential cause or miracle cure you’ve heard about.
Don’t assume that the things you do that endear other children to you will endear you to my child.
And don’t assume that because you know another autistic child well, that you know my autistic child in the slightest.
Our niece experienced some great examples of helpful things their church did for them. One member frequently spent time with their son during church services to give the parents a break. The pastoral team met with a consultant to learn more about autism and how the church could be more supportive. A flyer with their son's picture and some of his strengths, challenges and positive ways to interact with him was prepared for everyone in the congregation. It explained, for example, that his unusual noises in church were not intentional. The church also encouraged them to share with friends and with others in their cell group their sense of the "continual loss" autism brings to a family.
The nephew who’s the parent of an autistic child, shared the following with me in a recent email:
"Parents of recently diagnosed children should talk to other parents of autistic children about it. I had a colleague at work whose daughter was diagnosed the year before. It was very helpful to hear her perspective when I was distraught. 'It gets better,' she told me and she was right. I held on to this and to know someone else similar to me was going through the same things was immensely helpful. Find someone online, there are many support groups, ASA, etc., that can help you just when you need to talk and also to help you find resources. You will be amazed just how many people are around you are affected by autism and it can give you strength to hear their stories.
"In getting help for your child do not wait and do not be afraid to be pushy. My wife and I learned very early on that you have to be persistent and doggedly pursue services and programs for our son. Sometimes you have to be the squeaky wheel.
“And be careful about giving advice on discipline or parenting issues. Comments like ‘You just need to set some limits and be consistent!’ can be well intentioned, but to a parent can be interpreted as it being your fault. "
Hearing all this reminded me that it really does take a whole village, or a whole congregation, to raise a child. And this is especially true in the case of one with special needs.
None of these three children have full-blown autism, as in the inability to speak or to show any kind of affection, and “rainmom’s” son exhibited some unusual abilities early on. For example, by age four he could name each of the American presidents and their wives.
His father recently wrote the following on his own blog: “When we first considered the possibility that our son might be autistic it mostly seemed like good news. We already knew that his speech was delayed, and that he seemed largely oblivious to other humans much of the time. We already knew he was beautiful and charming and that we loved him. So, at first the diagnosis ... seemed to promise answers to the questions that were bothering us, like Why? and What should we do? However, as we read more and more about autism, a dreadful prospect emerged, that his socially awkward behavior may never change...”
He offered the following suggestions for how others can be supportive:
Offer to help.
Be patient if you are told that the help you are offering is not wanted, and keep trying.
Read up on autism.
Interact with my child. But do not expect (and certainly don't demand) that he will interact with you.
Tell me that you have noticed actual, observable progress my child has made (But don’t make stuff up).
Tell me that you like my child.
Tell me about resources for the parents of autistic children you’ve heard about. But don't go on and on about them and don't get offended if I don't avail myself of them.
Offers of babysitting and suggestions of resources are always welcome.
Then he added some don'ts:
Don’t tell me that my child seems "normal" to you.
Don’t go on and on and on about every new diet, therapy, potential cause or miracle cure you’ve heard about.
Don’t assume that the things you do that endear other children to you will endear you to my child.
And don’t assume that because you know another autistic child well, that you know my autistic child in the slightest.
Our niece experienced some great examples of helpful things their church did for them. One member frequently spent time with their son during church services to give the parents a break. The pastoral team met with a consultant to learn more about autism and how the church could be more supportive. A flyer with their son's picture and some of his strengths, challenges and positive ways to interact with him was prepared for everyone in the congregation. It explained, for example, that his unusual noises in church were not intentional. The church also encouraged them to share with friends and with others in their cell group their sense of the "continual loss" autism brings to a family.
The nephew who’s the parent of an autistic child, shared the following with me in a recent email:
"Parents of recently diagnosed children should talk to other parents of autistic children about it. I had a colleague at work whose daughter was diagnosed the year before. It was very helpful to hear her perspective when I was distraught. 'It gets better,' she told me and she was right. I held on to this and to know someone else similar to me was going through the same things was immensely helpful. Find someone online, there are many support groups, ASA, etc., that can help you just when you need to talk and also to help you find resources. You will be amazed just how many people are around you are affected by autism and it can give you strength to hear their stories.
"In getting help for your child do not wait and do not be afraid to be pushy. My wife and I learned very early on that you have to be persistent and doggedly pursue services and programs for our son. Sometimes you have to be the squeaky wheel.
“And be careful about giving advice on discipline or parenting issues. Comments like ‘You just need to set some limits and be consistent!’ can be well intentioned, but to a parent can be interpreted as it being your fault. "
Hearing all this reminded me that it really does take a whole village, or a whole congregation, to raise a child. And this is especially true in the case of one with special needs.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The Still Face Experiment
As a part of her lecture on YouTube promoting a March 31 to April 2, 2011 Conference on Attachment at Eastern Mennonite University, Dr. Annmarie Early includes a video segment of an experiment based on the “Still Face Paradigm.” It is conducted by attachment theory researcher Dr. Edward Tronick, Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Boston, and the Chief of the Child Development Unit at its Children's Hospital.
In a segment about 30 minutes into the video Tronick has a mother interacting face-to-face with her six-month old. They are smiling, “talking,” making sounds together, and generally responding to each other in affectionate ways. On cue, the mother turns her head away, then back to the child, but this time with a totally blank stare. Mother goes from being highly animated and engaged to making no sound and showing no facial expression whatsoever.
The child almost immediately initiates a series of actions designed to get back her mother’s attention. At first the child seems puzzled, then smiles winsomely at her mom. When this doesn't work she tries pointing, gesturing, making various noises, raising both hands, throwing herself back against her infant seat, and finally gives a loud shriek of desperation as if calling for emergency help. The infant then cries inconsolably to tell the world how awfully distressed she is.
This two-minute clip vividly illustrates how important parents’ interactions are with their children at a very early age. Dr. Tronick’s continuing research demonstrates the importance of going back and repairing ruptures that occur in our everyday interactions. These same patterns of rupture and repair happen throughout the lifespan, he says, and our capacity to repair with our significant others--children and adults alike--makes all the difference between security and insecurity in our relationships.
Incidentally, Annmarie Early is to be the keynote speaker at the Family Life Resource Center's annual Spring Fundraiser Banquet held at 6 pm Saturday, May 14, at the Virginia Retirement Community's Hartman Dining Room. Dr. Early's topic is "Secure Relationships: Strengthening Our Connections Within, With God And With Others."
Annmarie is an engaging and down to earth speaker who uses stories and illustrations to emphasize the importance of our being truly there for each other when we are needed.
Attendance at FLRC's spring fundraiser banquets has been on the increase, so early registration is encouraged, at 540-432-8450 or at services@flrc.org. The Center (where I work) hopes to raise $12,000 to help us continue to provide services to people regardless of their ability to pay.
We just hope you won't respond to this invitation with a blank stare :-).
In a segment about 30 minutes into the video Tronick has a mother interacting face-to-face with her six-month old. They are smiling, “talking,” making sounds together, and generally responding to each other in affectionate ways. On cue, the mother turns her head away, then back to the child, but this time with a totally blank stare. Mother goes from being highly animated and engaged to making no sound and showing no facial expression whatsoever.
The child almost immediately initiates a series of actions designed to get back her mother’s attention. At first the child seems puzzled, then smiles winsomely at her mom. When this doesn't work she tries pointing, gesturing, making various noises, raising both hands, throwing herself back against her infant seat, and finally gives a loud shriek of desperation as if calling for emergency help. The infant then cries inconsolably to tell the world how awfully distressed she is.
This two-minute clip vividly illustrates how important parents’ interactions are with their children at a very early age. Dr. Tronick’s continuing research demonstrates the importance of going back and repairing ruptures that occur in our everyday interactions. These same patterns of rupture and repair happen throughout the lifespan, he says, and our capacity to repair with our significant others--children and adults alike--makes all the difference between security and insecurity in our relationships.
Incidentally, Annmarie Early is to be the keynote speaker at the Family Life Resource Center's annual Spring Fundraiser Banquet held at 6 pm Saturday, May 14, at the Virginia Retirement Community's Hartman Dining Room. Dr. Early's topic is "Secure Relationships: Strengthening Our Connections Within, With God And With Others."
Annmarie is an engaging and down to earth speaker who uses stories and illustrations to emphasize the importance of our being truly there for each other when we are needed.
Attendance at FLRC's spring fundraiser banquets has been on the increase, so early registration is encouraged, at 540-432-8450 or at services@flrc.org. The Center (where I work) hopes to raise $12,000 to help us continue to provide services to people regardless of their ability to pay.
We just hope you won't respond to this invitation with a blank stare :-).
Friday, December 31, 2010
Letter to my Daughter
Today is our only (and favorite!) daughter's birthday. The following is the text of a letter I wrote to her ten years ago, soon after she was engaged:
Dear Joanna,
It was no surprise when your special friend Chad took your mother and me aside and asked if he could marry you. Not that he needed our permission. You’re both graduated, gainfully employed and on your own. But we loved it.
And we love Chad. For one thing, we think he’s shown excellent taste in his choice of a mate. “I just wanted your blessing,” he told us. “I love her very much--she makes me so happy.”
We understand. For 24 years you’ve been making all of us happy.
I’ll never forget the moment you were born. Without voicing that immediate infant cry, you seemed to want to first size up the situation and decide what to do next. Needless to say, it was love at first sight for your parents and your two admiring brothers. Then in no time you found plenty to do, entertaining us in an animated, non-stop fashion that kept us in stitches. But you also relished being held, read to, cuddled. I sorely miss my baby girl.
Not that you ever liked being considered the “baby” in the family. Even as a preschooler, you seldom admitted being afraid. When you heard creepy nighttime noises or saw strange shadows outside your window, you would quietly enter our bedroom and say, “I can’t sleep.” We knew what you meant. I still remember one warm night taking you out on our front steps, holding you, and talking with you about the bush that made scary shadows and about other things that ‘go bump in the night,’ trying to help you feel more secure and safe.
And how well we remember your many drawings and dramas and stories. To us they seemed wonderful, like you. You made us happy, too, with your hard-won achievements in school, your eagerness to please us at home. If anything, I’m afraid you kept too much inside, may not have felt free enough to raise your questions or express your frustrations.
I especially recall the summer you were fourteen and looking for a way to earn some spending money. With a little encouragement (and trepidation) on our part you made granola and baked things--pies, cookies and homemade bread--to sell at the Farmers Market two mornings a week. You didn’t get rich, but gained some great experience.
Then there was your anxious call when you had a driving accident at an intersection in town a few years later, one that totaled the family car. It wasn’t your fault, but you were worried sick over the damage to our vehicle. Believe me, all we could think was how grateful we were to have you alive and unharmed.
The memories keep coming. Your summer mission trip to Chicago, your sophomore college year in Ecuador, your recent two years of voluntary service with BorderLinks, shuttling back and forth between Tucson, Arizona and Nogales, Mexico. Today you’re putting your experiences to work as a migrant services worker in Rochester, New York, and preparing to marry your Chad, a first year resident at nearby Strong Memorial Hospital.
Joanna, your name means “Jehovah is gracious.” Your life has been a wonderful gift indeed, more than we ever deserved. Now, so soon, must we really give you away?
With Tevya at the time of his daughter’s wedding to Motel (in “Fiddler on the Roof”) we muse,
"Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don’t remember growing older. When did they?
Sunrise, Sunset... swiftly fly the years...
Laden with happiness and tears."
With all our love (and a few tears),
Dad c. 2000
Dear Joanna,
It was no surprise when your special friend Chad took your mother and me aside and asked if he could marry you. Not that he needed our permission. You’re both graduated, gainfully employed and on your own. But we loved it.
And we love Chad. For one thing, we think he’s shown excellent taste in his choice of a mate. “I just wanted your blessing,” he told us. “I love her very much--she makes me so happy.”
We understand. For 24 years you’ve been making all of us happy.
I’ll never forget the moment you were born. Without voicing that immediate infant cry, you seemed to want to first size up the situation and decide what to do next. Needless to say, it was love at first sight for your parents and your two admiring brothers. Then in no time you found plenty to do, entertaining us in an animated, non-stop fashion that kept us in stitches. But you also relished being held, read to, cuddled. I sorely miss my baby girl.
Not that you ever liked being considered the “baby” in the family. Even as a preschooler, you seldom admitted being afraid. When you heard creepy nighttime noises or saw strange shadows outside your window, you would quietly enter our bedroom and say, “I can’t sleep.” We knew what you meant. I still remember one warm night taking you out on our front steps, holding you, and talking with you about the bush that made scary shadows and about other things that ‘go bump in the night,’ trying to help you feel more secure and safe.
And how well we remember your many drawings and dramas and stories. To us they seemed wonderful, like you. You made us happy, too, with your hard-won achievements in school, your eagerness to please us at home. If anything, I’m afraid you kept too much inside, may not have felt free enough to raise your questions or express your frustrations.
I especially recall the summer you were fourteen and looking for a way to earn some spending money. With a little encouragement (and trepidation) on our part you made granola and baked things--pies, cookies and homemade bread--to sell at the Farmers Market two mornings a week. You didn’t get rich, but gained some great experience.
Then there was your anxious call when you had a driving accident at an intersection in town a few years later, one that totaled the family car. It wasn’t your fault, but you were worried sick over the damage to our vehicle. Believe me, all we could think was how grateful we were to have you alive and unharmed.
The memories keep coming. Your summer mission trip to Chicago, your sophomore college year in Ecuador, your recent two years of voluntary service with BorderLinks, shuttling back and forth between Tucson, Arizona and Nogales, Mexico. Today you’re putting your experiences to work as a migrant services worker in Rochester, New York, and preparing to marry your Chad, a first year resident at nearby Strong Memorial Hospital.
Joanna, your name means “Jehovah is gracious.” Your life has been a wonderful gift indeed, more than we ever deserved. Now, so soon, must we really give you away?
With Tevya at the time of his daughter’s wedding to Motel (in “Fiddler on the Roof”) we muse,
"Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don’t remember growing older. When did they?
Sunrise, Sunset... swiftly fly the years...
Laden with happiness and tears."
With all our love (and a few tears),
Dad c. 2000
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)