"I Was A Terrible Waiter"

Pittsburgh-based son Brad

Just heard our son Brad sing to an appreciative audience at the downtown Little Grill last night. Many of his songs are serious and thoughtful, some whimsical and thoughtful, and some, like the following, just plain funny--but still thoughtful.

One of these, "I Was a Terrible Waiter", won first place in a 2009 song writing contest that had the following stipulations:

—write about your worst job
—use the words "work", "boss", "co-worker", "pay"
—earn bonus points for the word “monkey”


I was a terrible waiter, every shift, sooner or later
I would drop something, or spill something,
or forget something like drinks (or menus),
there’s really a lot to remember, diet or plain, that table in the corner,
the dressing on the side or the dressing on the salad,
was the dressing on the side salad.. ranch?

the pay was OK, it was based on tips
(and $2.35/hour that mostly went for taxes..)
but the best tip I got was when a co-worker thought
that I might be better suited for a different job?
Yeah, I was the guy the boss would’ve fired
if he could’ve found a monkey who would take my place,
oh, I was a terrible waiter, I don’t do that any more

I was funny and friendly, but you’d better be both
if you drop 2 bowls of chili on the floor,
and they break, and you have to mop it up,
and the cook has to go make more (oops..)
yeah, I was clever and witty, but nobody cares if you keep forgetting that they asked you for salt, or a straw, or a napkin,
or ketchup 20 minutes ago (sorry..)

in baseball, 30% success is considered great
(and 40% is legendary!)
but if you bring people the right food 90% of the time,
as a server you’re 2nd-rate (go figure)
that’s why I was the guy the boss would’ve fired
if a monkey with experience had ever applied,
‘cause, I was a terrible waiter, I don’t work there any more…

Now my friend Brent (Showalter) is a ninja-skills waiter, (Food Service Professional)
he could satisfy even Darth Vader,
if Darth Vader sat down in Brent’s section,
the Dark Lord would leave a big tip (dude is that good!)
but if I had to wait on Darth Vader,
I’d prob’ly bring the wrong thing and he’d pull his light saber,
‘cause I was a terrible waiter, I don’t do that any more,

remember that table in the corner?
well, I didn’t either, not until they left to order dinner somewhere else,

‘cause, I was a terrible waiter, I don’t do that any more,
I don’t do that.. any more…

Go to this link and click "Play" to hear this on Brad's website.