Healthy Separations: Saying Goodbye and Letting Go

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In the course of raising children we go through repeated separations, from the time they take their first tottery steps to explore the world on their own, to the time they board the school bus for the first time, to the time they finally leave home for college or to live on their own. 

For what it's worth, here is some advice for parents whose offspring are leaving the family nest.

1. Release your hold. You've done the best you can during the years you've been together. A freeing, adult-to-adult closeness develops best after possessive clutching and helicopter parenting ends. Your ability to gain positive influence in increases as your power struggle over control decreases.

2. Limit your lectures. Your offspring know your values and beliefs quite well by now and seldom benefit from too constant reminders.

3. Maintain regular contact.  Periodic cards, letters, visits, care packages, and media conversations can all be good ways of maintaining positive ties with young adults away from home. But don't text then every hour 24/7.

4. Avoid interrogation.  Young adults don't enjoy having every conversation with parents becoming a game of "twenty questions."

5. Negotiate major differences.  If there are issues that need to be resolved between you, agree on a time and place for an adult-to-adult "mediation session." Don't sneak in your agenda at unexpected times, hoping to gain control by catching someone off guard.

6. Don't become over-responsible. Young adults need to deal with the consequences of their own adult decisions, and not be rescued from every emergency they may create for themselves.

7. Become re-acquainted as fellow adults. Set aside quality time for good conversation and renewing friendship with your son or daughter as you would with a valued peer.

8. Expect changes. Growth always brings change, and no one will never be quite the same after having new experiences away from home.

9. Separate people from problems. If you find your son or daughter making choices that are disappointing to you, don't hesitate to talk about those choices and about how they affect you.  But don't let your differences overshadow all you have in common and all you mean to each other.

10. Pay attention to your own separation issues. Pay attention to conflicts and enmeshments in your own family of origin, and share some of your own family stories and experiences with your son or daughter.

Remember, being in control as parents lasts for only a short time, but maintaining good family ties and having a positive influence are for a lifetime.

Some Questions For Local Candidates

Harrisonburg/Rockingham Regional Jail

"First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for rulers and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.

I Timothy 2:1-2 (emphases mine)

While not a member of any political party, I would really like to know where local candidates stand on the following:

Questions for Mr. Bryan Hutcheson, Sheriff (running unopposed):

1. Do you favor discontinuing the use of the restraint chair and/or the isolated padded cell for suicidally depressed and mentally ill inmates at our local jail (a total of 32 times for the first six months of 2015 alone)? (most area jails have no isolated padded cell, and Middle River Regional Jail, we are told, uses the restraint chair very rarely, and only for incorrigible inmates)

2. Would you consider following the practice of other local and regional jails and not have inmates in handcuffs when meeting with their families (in the totally secure visitor area separated by glass and concrete) or when they are moved to and from approved classes or other groups?

3. Would you be willing to phase out the use of orange or red striped jail garb in favor of denims and cotton shirts such as are commonly worn in state prisons?

4. Would you support reducing the cost of phone service and commissary items that add a financial burden to the families of inmates, along with the $1 per day "rent" cost generally borne by inmate families?

5. Would you support allowing qualified volunteers provide emergency mental health services and offer more GED or other educational programs for interested inmates?

Questions for Ms. April Moore, Mr. Mark Obenshain, State Senate candidates,
 Tony Wilt, House of Delegates candidate (unopposed),
Ms. Marsha Garst, Commonwealth's Attorney (unopposed) and (for items 1-5), Board of Supervisors candidates Michael Breeden, Fred Eberly, and Michael Breeden:

1. Do you support a more active oversight role by the local Community Criminal Justice Board as recommended by the Moseley Architect's Community Corrections Plan in its December, 2014 report? 

2. Are you in favor of the CCJB carefully considering the recommendations made for reducing incarceration that are in the above Community Corrections Plan as adopted by City Council, the Board of Supervisors and the CCJB in December, 2014?

3. Do you support ongoing funding for re-entry and rehabilitation programs like the Harrisonburg Diversion Center, and Gemeinschaft Home (Rockingham County)?

4. Do you support automatic bail bond for offenders who are gainfully employed (and/or a full time student) except in extreme cases of their being an immediate threat to community safety?

5. Would you support legislation banning the use of the restraint chair and the isolated padded cell for mentally ill and suicidally depressed inmates in our jails?

6. Do you support recent proposals to restore voting rights to rehabilitated offenders?

7. Do you support greater utilization of Virginia’s Geriatric Parole Statute (Code § 53.1-40.01) as a way of reducing the growing cost of health care for aging inmates who no longer pose any danger to society?

8. Do you favor reinstating some form of parole in Virginia and offering reduced time for inmates who utilize every opportunity to rehabilitate themselves in prison and prepare for effective reentry?

9. Would you support all inmates being supplied with the ID they need to be able to apply for jobs, driver's licenses, etc., upon release?

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Address your own questions and concerns to:

Bryan Hutcheson bhutcheson@rockinghamcountyva.gov

April Moore april@shentel.net

Mark Obenshain mdo@lolawfirm.com

Tony Wilt http://delegatewilt.com/links/

Marsha Garst mgarst@rockinghamcountyva.gov

Michael Breeden mbreeden@rockinghamcountyva.gov

Fred Eberly feberly@rockinghamcountyva.gov

William Kyger, Jr. bkyger@rockinghamcountyva.gov

For other posts related to criminal justice, type in a topic of interest in the small search bar in the far upper left side of the screen. 

Meet The Sibanda Family

Pastor Busani and family from Bulawayo, Zimbabwa

While attending Mennonite World Conference in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania at the end of July I spent some  time between sessions getting to know delegates from parts of the world I may never get to visit, especially from the less affluent Global South. 

One of these was Busani Sibanda, full time pastor of the Brethren in Christ Church at Cowdray Park in Bulawayo, Zimabwe, and someone with whom I'm beginning to have some email conversation. His wife is doing her first year of student teaching in early childhood education and their three children, daughter 18 and sons 16 and 14, are each in school. 

The collapsing economy in their country has made life extremely difficult for them and for members of their congregation, and Busani has to supplement his meager church salary with some house painting he does on the side.  

School is not free in Zimbabwe, and they have to scrape up $600 per student per term to keep them enrolled. Given their income, this creates a significant hardship for the family, and they ask for our prayers

I plan to post some updates here on our newfound friends as I am able.

Community Organizations Endorse October 20 Mark Earley Visit

Mark L. Earley, Sr.

The following is addressed to community organizations and congregations and is from J. Daryl Byler, director of EMU's Center for Justice and Peacebuilding:

25 August 2015

INVITATION TO SUPPORT A COMMUNITY EVENT ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE

Former Attorney General Mark Earley, past CEO of Colsen-founded Prison Fellowship, member of the national Right on Crime organization, and co-chair of Governor McAuliffe's Commission on Parole Review, has agreed to speak to our community this fall to outline his views on criminal justice reform. 

This event, set for 7 p.m. October 20 at the at Martin Chapel auditorium in the Eastern Mennonite Seminary building, is open to the public and will also provide opportunity for concerned citizens to air their views.

As a way of promoting this event, we are inviting groups like yours to lend their endorsement and support. You can do so by simply agreeing, in writing, to have your organization's name attached to all publicity and for you to promote attendance through your email and other contacts. While financial support is also welcome, none is required.

Please email or write Harvey Yoder <harvyoder@gmail.com> if you can help us promote Mr. Earley's visit in this way.

Warm regards,

J. Daryl Byler, Executive Director

Center for Justice and Peacebuilding

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Note: I will keep adding names of groups to the following list as we receive them:

Center for Justice and Peacebuilding
Harrisonburg/Rockingham/Page Reentry Council
Harrisonburg/Rockingham Building Better Community Working Group 
The Fairfield Center
Harrisonburg/Rockingham Interfaith Association
Community Mennonite Church
The Mahatma Ghandi Center for Global Nonviolence
The Harriet Tubman Center
JMU Department of Justice Studies
Gemeinschaft Home
Virginia Organizing
Martin Luther King_Jr._Way Coalition
Harrisonburg Democratic Committee
NewBridges Immigrant Resource Center
Northeast Neighborhood Association
Immanuel Mennonite Church
On The Road Collaborative
Harrisonburg Police Department
Harrisonburg City School Board
Valley Family Forum

Harrisonburg NAACP

Our Community Place
Harrisonburg Mennonite Church

Harrisonburg Fellowship of Reconciliation

Community Mennonite Church
Staunton Institute For Reform and Solutions

In a Universe So Vast, How Can God Be Truly Omnipresent?

We live about half way between the perimeter and center of this relatively small galaxy some 100,000 light years in diameter

“What wonder is it that you do not understand? If you do understand, then it is not God.”   – St. Augustine

In Biblical times, God was thought of as inhabiting a space somewhere high above and beyond the great dome or firmament known as the sky, or the heavens. That's where the sun, moon and all of the stars appear to orbit from east to west, beautifully displaying the wonders and glories of their Creator.

Since the time of Galileo, Copernicus and others, our concept of the universe has expanded exponentially. We now know our earth is but a speck in the cosmos, one small planet in orbit around a single star we call the sun. That sun, we have learned, is only one of billions of similar stars in our galaxy. And our Milky Way galaxy, over 100,000 light years in diameter, is but one of countless others, some far more vast.

In what way can God be seen as sovereign over all of this? Need we think of God inhabiting all parts of the created universe in the same way we have come to believe its Creator does in ours? Or is God most present in those places inhabited by God’s people, made in God’s image, filled with God’s Spirit?

These are mind-boggling questions we can only attempt to answer, and only in the context of a faith that is shaped by mystery, wonder and deep humility. We can never claim to know or understand things so unimaginable and so beyond our comprehension. We can only be amazed and awed. 

Our house church reflected on the following lectionary texts today, focusing on the kind of people God might choose to equip to represent and extend God's presence on earth today:

Joshua 24:14-18 Joshua’s challenge to God’s people at Shechem

We extend God's presence as we “serve” God in an unwavering and faithful way, as a committed and enlisted host of people who seek to march to the heartbeat of a divine drummer.

2. I Kings 8:22-30, 41-43 Solomon’s call to God’s people at the temple dedication

We extend God's presence as we become a living temple dedicated to God’s “Name”, e.g., that emulates God's character. According to this text, former aliens and outsiders are invited to join together in a life of humble service and worship.

3. John 6:56-69 Jesus’ invitation to his followers to ingest his very body and life blood 

We extend God's presence as we celebrate the life-giving bread and wine of Jesus and experience and exhibit the God-like qualities of Jesus himself.

4. Ephesians 6:10-20 Paul’s challenge to believers to be fully armed and empowered

We extend God's presence as we “stand” against the aggressive powers of evil in the world and offer life and hope to all who need God's salvation and deliverance from the forces that bind and blind them.

Here's a link to an amazing and humbling view of our place in the universe 
https://www.facebook.com/161029820639311/videos/834117539997199/?fref=nf

"It's really hard to tell the crazy from the well, now that everybody's on the phone"

   

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 all around the world, anywhere you go, everybody’s on the phone,
    driving down the road, something you should know is that
        everybody’s on the phone...

    walking down the street, strangers that you meet,
        they’re talkin’, but they’re all alone,
    it’s really hard to tell the crazy from the well
        now that everybody’s on the phone,

            all over the supermarket, chattin’ in the checkout line,
            I’m so happy to hear her tumor’s benign..
            that was more than I wanted to know,
            why your former boyfriend had to go,
            I have conversation overload, now that everybody’s on the phone..

    standing face to face in a public place,
        there are certain things you would not say,
    but since you’re on the phone, although you’re not alone,
        now you say them anyway,

            so swear like a sailor loud enough to make a grandma frown,
            at least she has a hearing aid to turn down..
            that was more than I wanted to know,
            why your former girlfriend is a ho,
            I have conversation overload, now that everybody’s on the phone..

        your family history, plumbing emergency,
        impending bankruptcy, why you put your dog to sleep,
        your infidelity, recent vasectomy,
        if you’re not telling me, then say it quietly, please!..

    all around the world, everywhere you go,
    everybody’s on the phone,
    driving down the road, better take it slow, now that
    everybody’s on the phone, everybody’s on the phone…

                                                              - copyright 2008 © Brad Yoder

As someone who uses our cell phone mostly when traveling (and seldom gives out our cell number) I love the above piece written by our Pittsburgh-based singer-songwriter son Brad.

Reminds me of a little encounter I had one day as I was walking from our local library to my office. A middle-age man was having an animated cell conversation using his new blue tooth phone (the kind that makes it appear that one is either just talking to oneself or to some imaginary friend). 

Apparently feeling a little self conscious about this as he saw me coming, he interrupted his phone conversation to tell me, "I'm really not crazy, I'm just talking with someone on my new phone." 

"Well, I happen to be a psychotherapist,” I said, “so in case you need any of my help, my office is just up the street." 

We both laughed, after which he continued his conversation with his friend, "You won't believe this, but a psychiatrist just came by and kidded me about being crazy!"

Of course he hadn't heard the “psychotherapist” part right (a fancy name for a licensed counselor), but I do often wonder whether we wouldn’t all be saner (to say nothing of safer) if we spent a lot more face-to-face time with our friends and family and did a lot less round-the-clock texting and talking.

Are We Not Men? Amnesty For Aging Inmates

Inmates pictured here (19) have spent a combined 516 years in Virginia prisons, have good prison records and are all parole eligible, having been incarcerated prior to parole being abolished in 1995. They also qualify for geriatric release (based on age and number of years served). Yet fewer than 3% of the nearly 4000 eligible inmates were released last year, and some have virtually given up hope of ever getting out of prison alive. 

Name; Age; # of years incarcerated; # of turn downs for parole

Mr. Kenneth Ray Pack; 65; 23; 11

Mr. John Bennie Williams; 82; 39; 20+ (blind)

Mr. James Franklin McKenzie; 65; 25; 14

Mr. Clarence Lee Barkley, Jr.; 68; 46; 31

Mr. Ronald Anthony Blair; 58; 39; __

Mr. Robert Davis Fitchett, Jr.; 52; 36; 12 (incarcerated since age 16)

Mr. Antonio S. Galacia; 78; 20*; 10

Mr. Patrick Michael Lockner; 62; 31; 12

Mr. Charles E. Zellers, Sr.. 47; 22; 7 (not pictured)

Mr. Donald Edward Worrell; 72; 36; 20+

Mr. David J. Ragno; 60; 30+; 20+

Mr. John Clinton Wright; 87; 38; 33+

Mr. Henry Tipold; 70; 36; 14+

Mr. Clarence Duke Reynold; 66; 25; 10

Mr. Bruce Andrew Ainsley; 63; 32; 15

Mr. Rickey Anthony Hickman; 61; 20*; __

Mr. Melvin Leroy White; 70; 20*; 8

Mr. James Benjamin Fitzgerald; 68; 29; 17

Mr. Bobby Fayne Hess; 64; 35; 24

Mr. Lonnie Eugene Coleman; 63; 39; 20+

Note: Men or women in prison who are seen as a current danger to others are confined to one of Virginia's maximum security facilities rather than in medium security ones like the above. These are but a few of many model inmates who are eligible, and many have significant health problems. The likelihood of individuals re-offending drops sharply with age, while the cost to taxpayers to keep them incarcerated dramatically increases.

* actual number of years incarcerated unavailable, but would be 20 or more

Here's a link to more posts on parole in Virginia
http://harvyoder.blogspot.com/search?q=parole+board

Here's a link to contact Governor McAuliffe https://governor.virginia.gov/constituent-services/Communicating-with-the-governors-office