A Road Sign Worth Heeding

It was many years ago, but I still remember the sickening CRASH I experienced when I collided with another vehicle at the intersection of Sunset Drive and Chestnut Avenue.

This couldn’t be happening.  How could I have ignored a plain, four-lettered sign reading S-T-O-P?

In decades of driving, I had never been responsible for more than a fender bender in a parking lot. Never mind my excuse, absentmindedly thinking I was on a parallel street that didn’t have a stop sign at Chestnut. The simple fact was that I had failed to observe a very useful, common sense traffic rule.

Crossing a street isn't a crime, of course, but responsible drivers always double-check to make sure they have the right-of-way and that the intersection is clear.

My lesson? Never underestimate the importance of a good traffic sign.

Even more important than traffic laws, however, are the rules for living handed down from Mount Sinai over three thousand years ago. For example, the one,“Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Like the others, this isn’t a mere suggestion, but a direct command handed down from the highest possible authority, our Creator.

 And for good reason. Those who ignore it typically experience the pain of wrecked lives, broken marriages and shattered dreams. The painful and unforeseen consequences of infidelity go on and on, affecting not only the two affairees, but their families, friends, congregations and communities.

By far the best cure is prevention. Common sense tells us to avoid those slippery paths that take us from fantasizing to obsessing, from flirting to outright sneaking around, from rationalizing and making excuses to having ones whole life becoming a deception.

Is healing possible after the trauma of adultery?
 
Thank God the answer is yes, much like I was able to get my aging and wrecked Audi on the road again after some drastically needed body work. And my State Farm insurance, like amazing grace, covered the cost of restoring the other vehicle to its nearly new condition.

I’ll still always wish I had observed that simple red sign on the corner of Sunset and Chestnut.

She Lived By Her No-Gossip Pledge

Ruth Zetty Lough 4/26/23--4/23/13

Not long ago we attended the memorial service of Ruth Zetty Lough, an unusually alert nearly-ninety-year-old who often greeted you somewhere on the first floor hallway when you came to the Oak Lea nursing facility at Virginia Mennonite Retirement Community. Everyone knew her as the friendly lady in a wheel chair who wore one of her many different caps every day.

I first met Ruth at the wedding of her daughter Lynn to one of our nephews years ago, then connected with her again at VMRC when Alma Jean spent three weeks in rehab there after her knee surgery.

At the service in her memory, Crystal Cupp, one of the women who met with Ruth for Bible study on a regular basis told us about the pact they had made years ago to never speak ill of others in their times together. They decided that everything they said must pass the Philippians 4:8 test, as follows:

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—dwell on these things."

Such a simple concept, but what a rare thing to take one's words that seriously. In other words, to determine not to speak of others in ways you wouldn't want them talking about you. Just don't gossip, period.

At the end of the memorial service, the family gave one of Ruth's many caps to anyone who wanted one to remember her by.

Perhaps wearing one of these could serve as a reminder to follow the Philippians 4:8 rule, a truly excellent and praiseworthy way to live your life.

"We Saw You As Our Own Flesh And Blood"

Shane Claiborne, author of The Irresistible Revolution and a founder of the Simple Way Community in Philadelphia, describes the harrowing experience he and some of his friends had while on a peace mission in Iraq in 2003. As they were traveling on a desert road near Rutba they had a terrible car accident and would almost certainly have died if the people of that town had not cared for them, in spite of their being identified with foreign American occupiers.

What was so amazing about the kindness they were shown was that, just three days prior, U.S. planes had inflicted heavy casualties to the only hospital in Rutba, including to its children's ward.

In 2010, Shane was able to go back to Rutba with several others who had been in that accident to thank the Iraqis who had acted as Good Samaritans seven years earlier. According to an article he wrote in the May, 2013, issue of Sojourners, one of the Iraqi doctors said, "When we saw you bleeding, we did not see you as an American or a Christian or a Muslim; we saw you as our own flesh and blood, as our own brothers and sisters."

This inspired Shane to help establish a social network site called "Friends Without Borders" to encourage world neighbors to be in conversation with each other across ethnic, religious and national lines, based on the belief that it is through Christ-inspired friendships that the world can be saved from its terrible violence.

As Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying, "I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends."

The following is from Claiborne's article:

"It's been said that one of the most radical things Jesus did was to eat with the wrong crowd. Undoubtedly, folks on the Left were frustrated with Jesus for making friends with Roman tax collectors. And folks on the Right were surely ticked at him for hanging out with Zealots. Dinner must have been awkward with both of them at the table; after all, Zealots killed tax collectors for fun on weekends. 

"But Jesus was a subversive friend, a scandalous bridge-builder, a holy trespasser. Just as we are known by the company we keep, so was Christ--accused of being a 'glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners' (Luke 7:34)."

Exterminating Relationship Bugs

I heard a story once about someone running a classified ad with the title, "100% Guaranteed Bug Eliminator.  Only $5."

Turns out that what was mailed to gullible customers was simply two wooden blocks with the following instructions:

1) Place bug 1 on block A.
2) Press block B firmly on block A.
3) Repeat with bug 2, etc.

While that may not work for household pests, it may serve as a model for dealing with relationship conflicts. In other words, start by clearly identifying what's "bugging" the partnership, and then attack the problem (the "it") rather than the other person.

In marriage counseling I often recommend partners holding regular couple's meetings for the sole purpose of addressing their problems. Here they make whatever progress possible in resolving them, and then file any unresolved ones until their next weekly or bi-weekly meeting. In that way they can spend more of the rest of their time in their "problem free area," keeping unsolved problems filed for future sessions.

Here's an outline of some steps a couple could follow:

1. Share compliments and appreciations.

2. Review any unfinished business from past meetings.

3. Review calendar and do necessary scheduling, including planning some good "problem-free" activities together.

4. Discuss any financial issues, take care of paying bills, etc.

5. Agree on priority problems, then address one item or problem at a time, as follows:

    a. First discuss the issue in terms of each of your underlying interests (why this is important?). Delay stating your position (what you feel should be done).

    b. Throughout, always take turns being the speaker and the listener. When you are the listener, make sure you fully understand the other before you take your turn to speak.

    c. Take time to brainstorm possible solutions, generating as many new options as possible (no evaluating or critiquing during this part of the process).

    d. After discussing some of the more agreeable options you've put on the table, decide by consensus. If you can't come up with a win-win solution, delay making a decision, or just agree on an interim solution (or decide to see a mediator or counselor for help). Remember, no agreement needs to be set in stone for all time, but will be honored until it is reviewed and changed.

    e. Decide how and by whom a decision is to be carried out, and what will happen if it isn’t. To avoid misunderstanding, you may want to put both the agreement and any friendly, agreed on a reasonable and friendly “consequence-for-not-following-through” you put in writing.

6. Decide on a time for your next couple’s meeting, and who will be responsible for making sure it happens (Of course, either can respectfully ask for a special meeting at any time).

7. Keep it under an hour, and end with some activity you both enjoy.

A step by step example of this kind of couple's meeting can be found in chapter 11 of my book, "Lasting Marriage: The Owners' Manual."

Keeping My Cup Turned Up

I remember many years ago meeting at a restaurant with some friends and having the waitress ask each of us, "Would you like coffee or tea?"

Except me. Although I actually didn't want either, I wondered why I wasn't asked like the rest.

"It's because you didn't have your cup turned up," someone pointed out.

Duh. I should have known.

The turned up cup has become a metaphor for me about experiencing the love or care from others or from God that I need. Maybe it's not so much that enough care and encouragement isn't available, but that I'm not being receptive and vulnerable enough to receive it.

At some level we are all beggars with cups in hand, needing God's kind of warmth and love to fill us. That may feel like a risk, of course. What if our needs are ignored, or someone offers us something we don't care for, or that may not be the kind of love we want?

But the risk of not acknowledging our neediness is even greater. Life is too short to live it with an empty cup, or one we fail to keep turned up for refills.

400 Richest Own More Than The Poorest 150,000,000?

"Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. The goal is equality..."   - Paul,       II Corinthians 8:13-14


"Rats and roaches live by competition under the laws of supply and demand; it is the privilege of human beings to live under the laws of justice and mercy."  - Wendell Berry
 
According to a December, 2011, report by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, income inequality is on the rise in the United States and in most other developed countries. The report found that the U.S. ranks the fourth-highest in the level of inequality, coming after Chile, Mexico and Turkey. Overall, the report stated, inequality among U.S. workers has risen by 25 percent since 1980.

According to OECD Secretary-General Angel Gurría, in a press release, “This study dispels the assumptions that the benefits of economic growth will automatically trickle down to the disadvantaged and that greater inequality fosters greater social mobility. Without a comprehensive strategy for inclusive growth, inequality will continue to rise.”

When it comes to accumulated wealth, the top richest people in the U.S. now control more of it than the combined 150,000,000 poorest, according to politifact.com.

Meanwhile, Tennesee congressman Stephen Fincher quotes 2 Thess. 3:10 to defend his desire to cut billions from the federal food stamps program: "For even when we were with you, we gave you this command: Anyone unwilling to work should not eat."

But is anyone who collected a total of $3.5 million in farm subsidies since 1999, as did Fincher, really "working" for all that federal windfall? And are all of the jobless really “unwilling?”

According to a Tom Airey blog, a couple of years ago McDonald’s reported that 1 million people applied for jobs at their U.S. restaurants. They were able to hire only 62,000.

So there's certainly a bigger problem here than just people's work ethic.

But lest we favored middle class folks in this country look at the super-rich around us with self-righteous disdain, we must remind ourselves that we are all filthy rich in comparison to the vast majority of our world neighbors.

Which calls for radical repentance on the part of all of us.

Here's a link to more of my posts on wealth.

She Pretty Much Got It Right: Myrtle See 1932-2013

Myrtle See on her 80th birthday

Alma Jean and I attended a moving funeral service just over a week ago of an 80-year-old friend and former neighbor, Myrtle See. Also attending were well over 150 others of her many friends and family members and five (yes, five) pastors who spoke in the service, a tribute to how much Myrtle and her late husband Dow were appreciated by everyone who knew them.

What made Myrtle so unforgettable was not your usual attention-getting list of achievements, but simply the way she loved everybody. Person after person in the service (including pastor after pastor) expressed appreciation for the repeated "I-love-you's" and warm hugs that were Myrtle's signature gifts to everyone she met, along with her invitations to enjoy whatever good food and drink she frequently had prepared in her tiny kitchen.

Of all the homes along Daphna Road just south of Zion Mennonite Church (and the parsonage where we lived from 1969-1988), Dow and Myrtle's at the very end of the dead end road was one of the most modest and unpretentious of them all. A tall person might have to stoop to get through the doorway into the kitchen, and I'm guessing even the living room had no more than a seven-foot ceiling. But Myrtle never made any apologies for her small house. She kept the place looking comfortable and clean, and it was always warm in so many more ways than one. Her priorities were the people she loved, not the property she and Dow owned.

At the the nearby Pine Grove Church of the Brethren, the small country church she faithfully attended most of her life, she often served as song leader. Not that she was a trained musician, she just volunteered to do it because she loved to sing, always with a warm glow that reflected her love of anything that had to do with God. By just standing in front with her hymnal and a radiant face Myrtle could light up the church.

Drawing by artist grandson Luis See

The more I've thought about her simple and servant-like spirit, the more I think she may have gotten life just about right. After all, when all is said and done, isn't it all about loving God with your all your heart, then loving everyone you meet like they were the most special people ever?

"The world would be a far, far better place," one of the preachers said, "if everyone could be more like Myrtle."

We can all say a hearty Amen to that.